Mom

If you are out there, and I know you are.

Please help me through this storm.  Please let me stand firmly, against the waves and tides, let me hold onto love, faith and hope.  And please shoulder some of this for me.  I need you mom.   More than I've ever needed you before.  You can help me by showing me the way, help me come out of this, helping to ease this pain in whatever way you can.

Please mom, help me through and out the other side.  It is time mommy.  I am yours, I am listening, I am ready to hear....

Please tell me what to do.

Asking for help

Mommy,

I've been trying, you know I have.   I'm ready for this to be over.  I need to move on.  I need my life back.   I need to give to my husband, children, to dad.  I need to stop taking, needing, draining.  I need this to be over. 

Mom, if there is anything you can do to help up there, please do it. 
You know how much love and family and enjoying each day means.   You taught me that.  Please help me get it back.  Please mom, I need you.  I need your help.

Your daughter needs you so much.  Please stay with me.  Please don't leave me.   Please show me the way.  I am listening....

I am ready.

Fall is Coming

Dear Mom,

Fall always makes me think of you.   The season you left us.   The season you gave birth to me.   All the years of back to school shopping, pumpkin pies, fall decorations.    It's a time for reflection, letting go, and moving forward.   A season of family, warmth, and love.

The other day I took Cooper for his first needle and banana split afterwards.   The same as you did with me.  I cannot believe it.   I have come full circle in so many ways.  I am a mom, sharing a memory with my child, that I can remember sharing with you.   I have worked through my phobia so that I can now be there to hold my son while he gets a needle.  It's amazing really.  How far I've come.  

I wish I could say, that I could leave these body symtoms and thoughts behind me too.  I wish I did not have to struggle and work so hard everyday.   I wish things could be easy and carefree and happy.    I am working toward that mom.   Harder than I ever have.  

I wish you could lay your hands on my back and tell me that you're proud of how far I've come.  That you know I will get through this, that I am an amazing mom, that you love me, that I can do anything I want to and that you believe in me.   And you KNOW i'll get through this.

Oh mom.   Our Cooper is going to school.   TO SCHOOL.   I remember the first day I got on the bus.   I remember the picture you took of me.  Of hugging you goodbye.  I thought you would be here for this moment.   I thought we would be sending him off together.  I'm not ready for my baby to grow up yet.   I'm not ready for any of it. 

But that's the thing about life, isn't it?  We are never quite ready.   Yet, moving forward is our only choice.   And to enjoy each moment.   I hope one day soon, I will be in the moment, grounded solid, with peace in my mind, body and soul.   So that, I too, can enjoy every single wonderful moment that lies ahead...

I love you,
Lisa

Summer is Winding Down

Fall always makes me think of you.  My birthday, back to school shopping, a whole new year.  Leaves falling, more inside days, and of course all the memories of your fall decorations and everything you did to make fall an amazing time of year.  

I miss you mom.   Oh god, I miss you.    I know you're gone.  I know you can't come back.  I know that I have to move forward, get on with my own life, my own traditions, my own memories... but I long for you in such a deep way.   I wish you were here for Cooper's first day of school, for Everlie's first birthday, for Thanksgiving, for decorating and fall fairs and pumpkin pies.   I wish you were here to go shopping with, to help with Cooper, to tell me I'm a good mom, to inspire me to be the kind of parent you were to me.    It's hard to live without you mom.   Even though I love my family.   I wish you were here to reassure me, to wrap your arms around me.  To cry and to laugh with me.   To spend time with me, to help ease the loneliness and isolation, to see my accomplishments, to be proud of me, to encourage me on.  To let me know that I am perfect and wonderful and amazing, just the way I am.

Oh mom.    My birthday is coming.  The day you gave birth to me.  The day you gave me life.   The day you first held me in your arms and promised to love me forever.  I know you're still holding me, loving me, looking down with your hands around my heart. I know you want happiness for me, peace, a great wonderful amazing life.   I know you sent me Everlie.   She's a part of you and me both, our connection.   I know you sent her to me to love, to help me heal, to help me remember and share those same bonds with a daughter of my own.   She's gorgeous.   She's perfect.   And she loves me so much.

I have an amazing family and I am so blessed and lucky.    And with your strength inside me I know I can overcome this.    Sometimes I just need to be reminded.  Sometimes I just need to be held, need your pep talk, need to fall unto the arms of my mom. 

Hold my heart a little tighter today mom and give me a sign that everything is going to be okay.   That with each step I'm getting closer and closer.

 

Family & closets

Hi Mom,

In the last few weeks we saw Aunt Helen, Johnny and his fam, Dee and her fam, and Dad was at Marc's wedding in Ottawa and saw your family too.

The summer is flying by and I'm starting to feel like myself again.  It's been wonderful to enjoy the beach and visit with family and play hostess again.    I've been doing yoga on the beach and really enjoying it.  It's helping my back, and it makes me feel wonderful.   I really want to continue through the whole year.   I feel like it's a wonderful outlet for me, and I really look forward to it.

Today is dad's birthday.    We took him out to the Hawg's Breath and then had cake back at your house.    Cooper picked out the cake -- it was an ice-cream cake from the new Dairy Queen in town.  And we bought him tickets to the outdoor NHL hockey game that he was excited about. And I know how much he loves hockey, so it made us feel good to give him something we know he'll enjoy.   It was a nice low key birthday, but of course, I wish you were with us today.   I'm feeling a little lonely for you today mom.  I wish you were here.  I wish we could celebrate together.

I finally finished my closets.   I have kept what I want of your things, donated the rest and have given some away to family and friends.   I think it's finally done.  It was a tough job.  I think I would have put it off forever if I could.   But alas, once I started, I had to keep going or I was going to live in a pile of clothes in my room for all time.    I wept and wept with Aunt Helen when I tried on all your clothes going through the pile.   I wanted you to be there with me so bad.

I'm doing the best that I can mom.   I'm trying so hard.  With everything.

I love you.  I hate that you aren't here for dad's birthday or to see Everlie do her new tricks.  she's almost walking mom -- I have a feeling, she'll be walking at nine months, just like me.  

xo

Summer

Hi Mom,

I've been having some great beach days with Cooper and Everlie this week.   It's been wonderful to laugh and swim and hang out on the beach.   And tomorrow we leave for the cottage with Dave's family.  It's a little hectic getting ready.   I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, so Dave is doing a lot of the organizing.   And I'm a little worried about going down on my medication again while we are there, but I'm also really looking forward to some family time away.

I hope it moves me forward.

I want to continue to get better and better and enjoy this summer more and more.

I love you mom.  Wish we could have a beach day together.     Cooper sings your song now.  He loves it and it makes me so happy to hear him sing it... not to mention, reminds me of your advice to me over the years:

Life is what you make it
It's the little things that matter
Always say I love you
Take it off your shoulders
Stop to watch the sunset
Be thankful for your blessings
Live life to the fullest
And be here in the moment.
And open up your heart....

Amazing advice from an amazing women, who lived that way every day.

I love you,
Lisa

Processing

Hi Mom,

I had a great weekend.  The weather was great.   We were busy.  We had a ton of sunshine and perfect beach weather.   I think I'm still processing everything over the past few days.

First, Dave got his vasectomy, which means no more kids.   I think it's the best decision, but still, a little part of me wonders if we should have left it up to fate.   I'm fairly certain though, that we made the right decision.

Then Aunt Ollie came for a visit.  It was so nice to see her mom.   It was comforting.  And so nice to have her around to shop with and talk with and make a fuss over the kids.    Just being around her made me feel closer to you.  I gave her some of your costume jewelry.   And a friends angel statue and some of your coats and hats.    I wished she could have stayed longer.  Part of me hoped that her and dad would have a spark and that she didn't already have a boyfriend.  I think it would be nice for dad to have a partner in his life to do things with, travel with, grow old with.    And since it can't be you, I'd really like it to be someone I like.  Someone who likes the kids.  Someone who can be like a second mom and grandma to our family. And someone who won't be threatened by pictures or memories of you.  I thought Ollie seemed like she fits a lot of those categories.  But it looks like it's not meant to be.  Oh, funny thing, she was late for everything!   he he.  I bet you got a kick out of that up there, saying, yep, that's just Ollie.  Don't expect her to be on time for anything.     A little inside joke.

Next I met with my therapist on your bench for a grief session.  Which actually was only a partial grief session.  We just kinda talked about other stuff.  Things that came up.    We went for a little walk on the beach.  She is a rock collector too and we looked for our favorite stones together.   She likes stones with holes all the way through, she thinks they are special and have holy meaning for her.  I told her which ones I look for and the one's you used to pick up.     I told her how when I'm walking down the beach, sometimes I pick up a stone, and imagine that maybe, just maybe it was the same stone you once picked up and rolled over in your fingers, as I am doing now in mine.  It makes me feel close to you.     She said I seemed better, happier, more present during this session.   I have to admit, things have been going a lot better lately.    I'm still scared, maybe of just where I was, and never wanting to go back there.    But I'm opening my heart, following the plan, and doing my best.

We're just starting to plan our summer vacations and what to do for Cooper's birthday this year.     I wish you were around to help plan and make it special.    That would just be about the best thing in the whole world.     Dad offered to let Cooper have a beach party at his house.... but Cooper thinks he might rather go to Great Wolf Lodge.  I just want to make a decision and let him have a great day.    Oh, how I wish you could be here for it mom.    

Other than that, I've just been so busy these last few days, and I think just processing my feelings about the whirlwind couple of days and everything it's making me think about.

Life is what you make it, I hear you saying.  

I know, mom, I really do.    And I want to make it great.

xo 

Forever In My Heart

Dear mom,

This is the  song I wrote for you.   Cooper loves it.   And we listen to it, whenever I need a little time with my mom.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJyBc0Eq1XY

I love you mom.  You're forever in my heart.
xo

Aunt Ollie

Hi Mon, Today Ollie is coming for a visit.   She'll stay for a few days.   It's a gorgeous day out there.  Blue sky, sunny.  Perfect beach weather.    Not sure when she'll arrive, but we plan to spend the afternoon and hopefully most of tomorrow down by the beach.   I'm hoping she'll stay until Monday because maybe we can do a little shopping downtown and go out for lunch or something.    I think it'll be really nice to see her.   It definitely reminds me of you and all the great times.   I think dad is looking forward to it to.  He's taking her out to a play after the pipe band tonight --- all the oldies are playing, so that will be nice for them.   

I'm looking forward to a great weekend with my family, Aunt Ollie and lots of fun.    It'll be nice to have another woman's presence around this weekend.  I think we all need it.

Tell you all about it soon!
xo

The reason Why I must get better

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I feel like such a bad mother and wife.    That everything is always about me.    That all the thing from fertility treatments, to the hard pregnancies, to the deliveries, to my grief over losing you, and now this post partum mood disorder.   I feel like they have taken so much from those who need me.   Like Dave.   Like Cooper.  Like Everlie.   Like dad.  those who need me to take care of them, to teach them, play with them, clean the house for, make dinners for, make plans with -- to be the person that helps the wheels turn, that guides the ship, that takes care of the big things and remembers the little things and makes everyday happy and special for.  

I long to be confident and in control.  I long to be capable and strong.   courageous.   Happy.   At peace.   Loving.  Helpful.  Kind. Inspiring.   And most of all to make a difference in their lives, for the better.     To give more than I take.    And to be the best wife and mother I can be.   Too share and live with pure joy with this amazing family I have.

And to get better as much for me as for them.   

And engage and participate fully in my life and their lives.   With love, fun, and passion.   

I want to follow your example.   And be the kind of amazing mother and wife you were.

Send your spirit my way.
xo

Endings... and new beginnings

Dear Mom,

Today we  come full circle on our fertility struggles.    No more babies for us.  I know you are happy about this decision.  You were always so worried what impact those fertility drugs would have on me.   You were so worried about me during my labour with Cooper, and I know you are up there worried about me now, too.   Sending your love, strength, courage and hope to find my way through this struggle and out the other side.   I know all you want for me is to be happy.   To enjoy my life and make the most of each day.   To open my heart and let love in, fully.  Let it fill me up for all the days of my life.   I know you are routing for me, encouraging me on, telling me that I'm doing good and not to dare give up.   I know you don't want any of this for me any longer.   That we've been through enough.   I know you want my struggle to end.

I remember during those last days, crying into your neck, holding you tight.  
Be happy, you told me.  
Be happy with Cooper.  We've had a great life together.  Be happy with your family. 
But what will I do without you mom?   I still need you.
You'll be just fine.   You will be just fine.

I'm going to hold you to that mom.
I'm going to hold you to it.






 

Hands

Dear Mom,

Yesterday I had an amazing day.   A morning walk with a friend.   An afternoon at the beach with both kids.   An evening swim with Cooper and Dave, all topped off with yoga on the beach and a great sleep.
  
This morning I had a good morning.  Nice visit with dad, nice session with my therapist.

And now.  For the past hour or so, I've been noticing symptoms in my back and stomach making me worried about the lower dose of Ativan.  But mostly I just feel like crying.   I feel lonely.  Sad.   Unmotivated.

I called dad to see if he would watch the kids for a few hours tonight so Dave and I can have a date night.   A walk on the beach, an appetizer and a dessert on a patio.   Something special for just us.    He goes in for his vasectomy tomorrow.    What a full circle, huh?   Crazy, I can't even believe it.  It's so strange the way life works out.

But mom.  I wish I could shake this feeling of wanting to cry.  Of being down.  Of slipping back.    I know I'm moving forward, I do know that.   But I can't help feeling this way, and I don't know why.

Everything was going so great.   I feel in moments like this, the need to write.  The need to call, the need to throw my arms around my mommy and cry into your chest.   I feel the need to hold your hand.  I miss your hands.  They were so soft.   And small.   Like grandma's.   I wish I could see your hand again.    I wish they could wipe away my tears.

I love you mom.
I just want to be a good mom.  I want to be here, in this moment. I know you can't come back to me, but there is such a hole.   I wish you could.   I still need you mommy.   I hope I can make you proud.  I hope I can make my kids proud.   I hope I come out the other side a new and improved wife, mother, and daughter.   Confident and trusting and full of faith, that everything can still work out.  That life still has happy endings.  

And that I'm living one.

xo  

One of those days

Mom,

Today is one of those days.  It's kind of dull outside.  Cooper is home sick.   And I feel a little like a shut in.  I guess it's good after the busy weekend.   But I've been getting a wee bit more worried lately with the drop in my medication.   Overall I'm still way better, I'm just frustrated that it seems to be a process and can't just ALL be behind me now.  I just want to stop looking over my shoulder, worried that it will return and I'll be back in that spot.  I must continue to TRUST this process and have FAITH that I'm getting better and better, and SOON I will be all better and right back to myself.

I miss you.  Wish we could hang out today.   Watch a movie.  Or the Bachlorette tonight. 

Instead, hopefully I'll snuggle up to Dave and watch it.   He is such an amazing husband.   I really need and want a date night with him soon.  It's so hard to get us time with little kids.   And especially with my early bedtime these days.

I guess you were looking down Saturday night and saw that Deanna proposed to Ryan, while we took Jayce over night.   Cooper had so much fun.  And I really like Ryan.  I really hope they have a long happy life together.    If there's anything you can do about it from up there, give her a little extra strength and love to make it through the tough times together.

And stay with me too, mom.    I need you.
xo
PS -- Dad put up the tire swing for Cooper and he loves it.  He's such a good grandpa and dad.

Secrets

Hi Mom,

I have a little secret to share...  I wish you were here so I could tell you and you'd help me make it special.  I loved how we always traded secrets together.   It was always so fun to get your gossip and to give you mine. Of course, now when there is a secret to share, I desperately want to call you.   But for now I guess I'll have to make you wait.  Like the rest of them.  I'll tell you tomorrow after the secret is out, but for now I'll just tell you to look down at your bench around sunset tonight.   I think you'll be very happy.  Send some magic lasting love towards your bench.  I know you will.

I'm going to do something to help out and hopefully make it more special and meaningful.  Offering to help out is something  you ALWAYS did.    And it's something I want to make sure that I do more of in this lifetime.   

You were such a good example of how to pay attention to the little things and ways of making the everyday special.   

Well, until sunset... 

Then we'll talk tomorrow.

xoxo

Rainy Thursday

Hey Mom,

It's an overcast but warm Thursday morning.  They say thunder storms this afternoon.  But right now I'm drinking a cup of tea, in the cup you bought me, remember?  The one with the lady in the sundress walking on the beach in the brown floppy hat, among the umbrellas.  I love that cup.   It reminds me of how you looked waking on the beach.  It reminds me of how I look sometimes too.  It reminds me of us, a combination.    I love that it could be either one of us.... the spirit she exudes is in both of us.  

Cooper is at day camp for the morning doing a treasure hunt, and Everlie is having a little nap.  And I'm drinking my tea, thinking of you and remembering all the great walks we had on the beach together.

Tonight Dave is away at a sleep study, so I won't see him until tomorrow.   It'll just be me and the kids all night.   I wish you were around.  We could have a sleep over.  I miss sleepovers with you mom.  Crawling into bed, turning on a movie and snuggling up.   Tonight I will do it with my kids, if they will allow it, though they won't want to watch Under the Tuscan Sun, they'll want to watch Octonauts -- which Cooper is currently obsessed with.

I miss those days though, mom.  Crawling into bed together watching a movie.  I remember during your last days we all climbed in and watched Under the Tuscan Sun together -- probably for the millionth time.   And I remember in the hospital in London, crawling into that hospital bed and you were so sick and we were watching the Devil Wears Prada with one ear phone in your ear and one in mine.  But I wasn't really watching.   I was snuggled into you neck, holding you, thinking.... this might be the last movie I ever watch with my mom.   I was snuggled up, thinking that I never wanted to let go.   I didn't ever want that movie to end.  I didn't even want to get up out of the bed and have that moment gone.  

But we've had so many moments like that over the years it's hard to pick just one, isn't it?    I wish we could have more of them, like tonight, on this raining Thursday with Dave away for the night.   I wish my mom could come tuck me into bed and we could pop some popcorn and stay up late watching chick flicks.   Oh, how I wish.   Maybe I will watch one anyway mom, and think of you.    Imagine you there beside me, watching it with me, talking through the whole thing and driving me crazy.   

Oh how you used to drive me so crazy.   I miss that too mom.   I miss it all.

Your daughter forever,
Lisa xo

A new path

Dear Mom,

Well today I made some goals -- some new things for me to work toward.   Something to inspire me.  And aspire too.   I'm hoping that will help launch me forward.  

I have a therapist appointment this afternoon, and I'm not sure what we'll discuss.   But I think it will be good for me to get out and talk.  

Then tonight I'm hoping for a family walk maybe on the board walk or beach.   It sounds like it would be fun.  I'd love to try bike riding, but we think Everlie might be a bit too small yet.   We'll have to see.    

One of the things on my goals list, is to reach out and find one or two really good friends that I can count on and that we can have fun together as well as couple friends for Dave and I.   I think we need to build a strong set of friends that we get together with regularly, or have over or go out for drinks with.    I think we both need a social outlet and I'm hoping I can meet some lifelong friends here.

Of course, I still talk to Andrea and Katrina all the time, every day in fact, but email is only so fun.  I mean, we can't get together for coffee or drinks.   We can write and text and that's fun.   But I need friends I can get out with around here.   Lunch dates, shopping dates.  You know, all the things we used to do.   I miss it.

The other thing I'm going to do is try to challenge my limits mom.   There are lots of things in my life that I could expand and become more independent, and self-sufficient, and strong.   I will go slow, and slowly I will attempt to break through my own barriers to a richer, fuller life.

I know you are proud of me mom, even just for trying.  I know you believe in me.  And I know you're with me, encouraging me on, just as always.   Just as always.

A little down

Dear mom,

I'm a little down today, worrying about things, and just no feeling positive.  I didn't get out for my walk today, no yoga, or meditation -- so that could be part of the problem.   No adult contact throughout the day, and dad's working all week --- and I don't know if I can manage both kids at the beach myself at such different stages.    I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit like a person without a plan.   I want to move forward.   I want a plan to work towards.  I need a better routine during the day, and I need to be trusting of the new doctor and my medication management.   Things have been so much better, but sometimes I'm afraid of falling back in, of failing.  

All I know is that I love my family so much.
And I miss you like crazy.  
More grief work or cognitive behaviour therapy with my therapist tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to.

I think I'll make a plate of nachos and watch the bachelor.   See if that can cheer me up and break out of this little funk.

xo   

Canada Day

Hi Mom, It's cold out there, but not raining.  We're exhausted but are forging on for the kids.  Cooper will be so excited about the fireworks and seeing his friends Graham and Jane.    I got all the stuff ready for smores.    And Cooper bought some glow sticks today at the market.   

We're heading over to dads as soon as I can muster the strength to crawl out of this bed (I just had a bath) and then the PERFECT nap with my family.    I should just count to three.   And go ahead and get this party started.

Wish you could be here.    But I know you are,  in small and big ways.  

Love you.
Happy Canada Day Mommy!

Canada Day Weekend

Dear Mom,

The laundry is backed up beyond belief, the house is a mess, and Sue is coming in about an hour.   I'm trying to release the need to have things perfect, remembering that she is here to help.

Last night I had Dad and Uncle Henry over for dinner, we had spaghetti with garlic bread and the strawberry rhubarb pie for dessert with was great, btw.     Speaking of Uncle Henry, his house is up for sale and he's moving back to Guelph soon.   Oh mom, I hope dad will be okay.  He seems fine.   Dad always seems to be able to roll with the punches but it will be hard on him I think.   They walked together every morning and watched some games together and had hot tub nights.  Not to mention working together.   Dad says he will continue to work by himself, but I worry about him a little.  It's going to be hard for one person to do and lift some of the things he will need to do.  Not to mention, it's a bit boring working by yourself.   But he says he'll take jobs that he can manage, I just hope he doesn't overdo it.   Sort of sad, Uncle Henry moving back to Guelph, eh?    I'm sure this is not how dad imagined his retirement years turning out.  First you, now Henry in Guelph.   But he's such a positive guy and he's moving forward and making new friends and spending lots of time with us.   He's really the best grandpa mom, you'd be so proud of him.  You'd love to see what buddies Cooper and him have become.   And Everlie lights up when she sees him too.

Today we might go to the beach.  Amy is now in town for the summer, and I hope to spend a lot of time with her.   She lost her mom too early too.   So it's nice that we have each other.    Dad says he might put up a tire swing for Cooper today and we got a little swing for Everlie as well.  I think Cooper will love it.   

It'll be nice for Sue to be here and spend some time with her.  The kids love their nana, and it's nice that she makes such an effort to come to see them.    And it will be even nicer that Dave and I will have a date night tonight -- which is much needed and maybe we can both sleep in tomorrow.  Dave really needs it, he's been working hard to hold things together.   I'm so lucky to have him as my family.

I'm pretty lucky all around when I stop and notice what I have in my life.    Sometimes I want to cry that you are not here, maybe I always will.   But I'm blessed.   And I feel you with us.   I feel you looking down on all of us, saying, it's okay Lisa -- be happy.  Let yourself be happy and enjoy every minute.  I am watching and I will never leave your side.    You can do it.  You can do anything.

I love you mom.  Thanks for the pep talk.  
xo

Baking

Dear Mom,

Last night I had a girls night out which was good for me, to laugh and talk and feel normal.  

Today Dave, and Cooper and I baked Strawberry Rhubarb pies.   I don't think I've ever baked a pie myself before.  Of course, I've baked them with you, but that was so long ago, before we started buying them from Marge's.

It was fun.    And messy.    We made 3 pies.  And I boiled the rest into strawberry rubharb stew for ice-cream topping thoughtout the summer.   I want to have a pie tonight for dinner that we baked.   And maybe give the other 2 pies to people who have helped me in some way during all this.     And I'll give some of the rubharb stew to dad to keep with a box of vanilla ice-cream.  You know how much he likes his ice-cream!

Oh mom, Everlie is so beautiful and she just learned to sit up on her own today from a laying down position.   She's so proud of herself.   She loves Dave and I so much.   And I just love her to pieces.    And Cooper, our little guy, is getting so independent and wants to try EVERYTHING by himself.  It can be a bit exhausting, but it will serve him well later in life.  And he's so smart for his age.  I can't believe he'll be going to JK this fall!   I've been wondering whether I should let him go on the bus this young or drive him for the first year?  I've been wondering whether I should keep him home on Friday's to give him some time to play with Everlie and still have his mommy time.   It's all day everyday!   At just 4!   It seems so young mom.   I wish I knew what you'd tell me, but I suppose in the end, I'll just do what feels right. 

I wish you were here to enjoy the long weekend with us.  Tonight is the first pipe band for all of us.  I wonder what Everlie will think of it and whether Cooper will be as into it as he has been the past two years?    I will let you know tomorrow.

And then Sue is coming for the Canada Day festivities.   And then it's fireworks on the beach.  I hope it's warm.   And Dave and I are going to try to fit in a date night Sunday night when she's here -- something long overdue.

Right now I'm cuddling a Sleepy Cooper while I type this to you one-handed.   The things moms get good at, eh?

Talk soon xxoo

Grief Work

Hi Mom,

I've been doing some grief work with my therapist.    To me, I feel like I've lost a dream for my life that I envisioned all my life.  My therapist says I will have to grow around the hole that has been left in my life.   Like a big branch that falls off a tree.  The hole isn't there forever, but it never really goes away either.  The tree grows around the hole, covering it over time with bark and the remembrance that the branch was once there.  It will stay forever as part of the tree and the tree will continue to grow, though that branch will never be back, the imprint of the branch will be there forever.
I think it would be easier if I had you to model to be a good mom.   You had all these wonderful ideas for activities and crafts that you did with your daycare kids for years.  You made everything so fun.   You got involved.  You really were amazing with kids.   I wish you could help me organize and plan my day.   Think of fun things for the kids to do.  Crafts I can enjoy with them.   Games I can play.   I wish you could join in so it doesn't feel so lonely.

Oh mom, I think I don't quite know how to be a good mom, the way you were to me.   I feel inadequate to live up to it.  I feel limited and unconfident so much of the time.   I feel like there is a big happy wonderful piece of our lives missing... and I wish you could be here to fill it.  

It's the long weekend this weekend and we plan to go to the pipe band, kids day parade and see the fireworks on the beach.   I will try to make it fun mom.  I will try to do the little things.   I will try to be the best mom I can be but mostly I will give myself permission to go a little slower, and just do what I can.   And hold my kids and husband as often as I can.  

I'm going out for a girls night tonight.   And I will strive to make deeper friendships and laugh as much as I can.   

I will move forward.    And let myself feel all the joy that still exists even though you are not here.   I will focus on my family.  My future.  And the kind of person and mother I want to be.  

I love you forever,
Lisa 

Dear Mom,

I had a fun weekend on the beach... I felt good.  Like myself.   It was so nice to enjoy the day and feel at peace.    The weekdays are still a little hard with Dave at work and no other adults to talk to.  I just don't want my mind to ever go back there.  But the medications are working and I've joined a yoga class down at the beach which is really great.   I think it's the same one you took.  What a peaceful setting, I know why you loved it here so much.  
Yesterday dad and I finally took all your clothes to Stratford.  We dropped some off at the women's shelter called Optimism Place, and we took the rest to the House of Blessing, where people in need can get the clothes for free.    It was hard to do, but I know you would have been proud of us and to know your clothes are going to someone who really needs them.   I kept some for myself, which was nice too.  Now it's just a matter of re-organizing my closet that REALLY needs to be done.  I wish you were here to help.  It's always fun doing a chore like that with someone else.  Makes it not so painfully boring and lonely.   But I'll put on some music someday and just plow through it.... if I ever get a chance.  Two kids is harder than I thought it would be.
This morning is a beautiful day.  I have both kids and we are going to hopefully spend most of our day outside and some of it inside, baking.  I haven't tried baking with the kids in a while.   I used to do it all the time.   So maybe today I'll give it a try, go slow and try make the most of this day.

One step at a time mom,
I miss you and need to find a way to fill the deep hole of loneliness with meaning and significance.  I'm trying.    You'd be proud of me.  I know you'd say that I'm a great mom, and I'm doing the best I can and that love is all my kids really need.  I know you'd put your arms around me and assure me that there is so much joy ahead of me.   And I know it too, mom, it's just a bit of a slow road back there as I climb my way through this post partum period.  I wish I could call you today, so instead you get a letter.  Love you mom.    Wish me a good day with my beautiful kids.
xo

Missing You

This is a poem I wrote shortly after my passed away.  The loss of a mother is truly one of the biggest losses of our lives.   

 

 

 

 

 

This hole

Gets deeper

Not smaller

As time goes by

The memories sweet

The love boundless

The void everywhere

Your presence missed forever

My life changed forever.

Sunday Morning

Good Morning Mom,

It's Sunday morning, and I'm just getting ready to start the day.    I'm feeling pretty good today and I want to make the most of my days.    I can't help looking over my shoulder though, frightened that it will all come pouring back.   But like dad reminds me, you have move forward.   Move forward.   And remind myself that my future looks bright.   There is nothing to be afraid of in my future.   Dave continues to assure me that I will get better.  That soon this will all be behind me.   And that I will be back to myself.   Fun, loving, ready to entertain, and focus on my family and make each day special.  That I will enjoy each day.  I'm trying, I'm not quite there yet, but I am trying.  Last night we had a special family movie night on the bean bag and I felt truly happy.   I was full of love and hope.

I felt your presence.  But I also felt just the happiness of the four of us.   Our little family, snuggled together and the promise of good things to come.   

So today I vow to take one more step forward.    And enjoy whatever the day may bring, to let go of the negative fear holding me back.  And once again choose faith over fear.

I will give dad a hug from you today.   It'll be our little secret.   I'll let you hug him through me and fill him up with strength and love and happiness as he moves forward too.

Xo

Asolutely Clear -- A poem that resonates with me tonight

Absolutely Clear

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

Cooper is so wise

Dear Mom,

Today sadness has taken hold.   It's the first marching band tonight.  I know I should be excited for the kids to go, but due to the weather (could rain) I'm been making excuses to stay inside.  That's just not like me.   I hate not being like me.  It's hard work actually.   I've been waiting for summer all year.  Those lazy hazy beautiful beach days and warm nights.   And today I'm hoping summer can come another time, when I'm better.  When I'm more like me.  
So I think we will hunker down and have a movie night and hold my kids and husband tight. 
And think about everything in my life that I'm grateful for.   And right now that's my little boy who just gave me a hug and asked me why I was crying and I said, I just miss your grandma, and he said, don't worry mommy, she's still with us, remember -- right in your heart.  

If that won't make me smile, I don't know what will.   

I love you mom.    And I'll keep working hard.   I'm following the plan.   And I will not stop until I get back to myself.  My family deserves to have me back.   And I promise you that I will make you proud and I will come back to them.  I will be myself again.

Help me mom, stay with me, and help me live through your example.   Loving, fun, and doing the little things that matter, with a big open heart.

Your daughter always,
Lisa 

I carry your heart

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart]

By E. E. Cummings 1894–1962

 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Milestones

Hi Mom,

I missed you today.    It was a big day for Cooper.   He went to his kindergarten orientation and sat in the class and met his teacher.   Then afterwards, we went to his graduation party from Kids Co-op, where he got a little diploma and they had all kinds of fun things for them to play and do.   Dad came.  And Cooper loved that.  I always thought you would be here for these moments, these magical milestones in my Children's lives.   Oh mom, you would have been so proud of him.   He's got quite a little mind of his own and he's so smart.   He's a handful let me tell you, but in such a good way.  He's got a great big imagination.   And he thinks of you all the time.   He says goodnight to Grandma in heaven everynight.  And he often talks about taking a rocket ship into space so we can see Grandma.  Sometimes he just looks up into the sky and says your name.   And he loves the song I wrote for you mom, and when he's in his room sleeping, sometimes I can hear him singing it all by himself.  He would love you so much.  He does.  Even though you're not here. 

I had another therapy session tonight and cried.    Just about everything, you know, wanting you.   Still needing you.    Sometimes, you just need your mom.    I long to hug you and hold your hand and snuggle up in bed with you and watch a movie.  I long to have girls days and make dinners with you.   And I long for you to participate in my joy with the kids.    Everlie is getting so cute, mom.  She's eight months and she's almost crawling.    She lights up the room with her smile.  And she loves me so much.  It's beautiful to hear the words momma coming out of her mouth.  

I can see why you loved me so much mom.  Why I was your pride and joy.  These kids are wonderful, beautiful creatures that Dave and I worked so hard to create.   And they are here in this world with us.  And I love them so much.   There is so much love.

I love you too mom.   You are in my heart forever.   In fact, I was thinking of a poem today.... and reminds me of you.... and I will dedicate it to how I feel.  You are with me, I carry your heart inside my heart.

Just a note to start my day

Hi Mom,

How ya doing?    Oh how I wish I could pick up the phone and say those words to you.   What are you up to today?   Wanna come over?

Grief is one of those strange strange things.   And your loss, I fear is the deepest.    I miss you mommy.   So much.   I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you tight.   That you could tell me that everything is going to be alright.   That we are all going to have a wonderful happy life together.   And in a way, we did, didn't we   We had the happiest life ever.   I had such a wonderful blessed childhood and growing up in to an adult we became best of friends.   I want that for my own kids, mom.   I want to be the kind of mother you were to me.  Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.   Not capable enough.  Not sure enough of myself.  I don't want anxiety to hold me back.   And I don't want the loneliness and loss of missing you to leave a hole in my heart.   I still want it all mom.  A rich, full, beautiful life, with my kids.   I know that you can't be here for it.   But in a way you still are.   You're in my heart everyday.    I'm so lonely without you, but I want to try to open my heart and try to fill the hole, even just a little, try to grow around it, as my therapist says.    And remember and focus on the precious present moment and the beauty of today and the promise of an amazing happy future with my family.

Today, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.  Maybe a walk, maybe some backyard playing with Cooper --- I might fill his pool.  Today is his last day at kids Co-op.  Can you believe it?    Then tomorrow he has his graduation party and orientation for JK!     I can't believe it's all happening so fast now.    Everlie said momma a few days ago, and it melted my heart into pieces.  momma.  Momma.   What a beautiful sound.   Oh mommy.   It's still the most beautiful sound in the world.  

I love you and promise to make the most of today.  To see what adventures can happen, what relationships can form.  I will open my heart, go slow, and do what I can to love my family and let them love me.   I will breathe.  And I will think of you often.  

Until I write again tomorrow,
I love you.
Lisa

A new Start

After going to Pine Rest and getting some of my anxiety and depression under control with medication, great tools, and people who assured me, that YES, I Will be myself again -- they told me that I needed to do some grief therapy.

So I went to my therapist and we discussed my grief.  I cried.  I cried not only because I so desperately miss my mom and wish she could be here to be a part of my kids lives.   But I cried over the loss of the dream, the vision for what my life would be like when I had a family of my own.   I imagined her there for all the big events and milestones, I imagined Christmas and birthdays and Easter.  I imagined weekly family dinners and walks and outings together.   I imagined mother daughter lunches and shopping days.   I imagine her babysitting and the close relationships she would have with my kids.  I imagined her being a part of it all, a part of each day.   I realized not it's a significant hole in my day that I now need to find meaningful ways to fill.  I also have to realize that with not around to drop in and spread joy into my life, that parenting at home all day is actually fairly isolating, a little boring, and a lot lonely.   None of which I ever thought it would be.   And I didn't expect it.   Because it wasn't like that when Cooper was a baby, in fact even though my mom was going through chemo and getting sicker, she was still there.  There was still joy.    She was still a part of it.   We were a family.   And now that her passing, and all the IVF and horrible pregnancy was behind me, it was finally time to be happy.   And I was for a while, but then Christmas was over, January set in, Dave went back to work, and there I was alone, snowed in, with two kids, and no mom.   

Anyway, my therapist says the hole will always be there but we learn to grow around it,   We find new ways to fill our hearts the best we can.  She suggested I make a cup of tea, sit down for 15 minutes and write a letter to my mom each day while I drink it.   I like this idea, so that will be something I intend to do.

So, on to a new tradition.... I have my tea ready.     

Back to Basics

Okay mom, I am listening.

 “You have to wean Everlie and get yourself healthy. Your poor little body is drained. She’ll be just fine. You’re a great mom and you’ll feel better once your body and hormones get back to normal. I promise.”

I can hear you saying that over and over in my head. And today that is exactly what the naturopath said too. That I need to stop EVERYTHING. All the meds, supplements, all the herbal remedies and just let my body normalize, stabilize. So I agree. I will start tonight. I will slowly begin to wean Everlie and stop everything else. I will continue with exercise, meditation, yoga and therapy, and just stop with the rest. I will try to be good to myself. To stay positive. And remember that this too shall pass and that I will be just fine.

“You’ll be just fine. You will.”

I can hear you saying it in my head.

“Focus on the positive. Be happy with Cooper, Dave and Everlie. Take if off your shoulders.  You can do this.   You will be just fine. I promise. You are a strong, amazing wonderful woman. And I love you.”

I am listening mom. I hear you.

And today I am going back to basics.

Body, mind, and spirit.  In hopes to find balance and peace I so desperately want.

I trust you mom. Stay with me.

Your daughter forever and ever,

Lisa

Hope

Here’s the thing. I just want to feel GOOD again. Like, carefree good. That feeling you get in your whole body – the pleasure of a spring day. The wonderful enjoyment of eating your favorite foods, of snuggling up to the one’s you love. Playing with my children and laughing at their antics. Singing to them all day long. Walking, playing, going to the beach and yes, even making lists. Checking things off, getting things done, and feeling that sense of accomplishment in doing so. The relaxation of a bath or a massage or sleeping in. The peace of flopping down on the couch with my husband after a long day and flicking on the TV together. The joy of planning for the future, dreaming of vacations, and the lazy hazy days of summer. I want to feel that inner feeling that everything is okay. That life is good. That my body and mind are in sync. And that life, even when it gets tough, is a beautiful journey.

I’ve been trying to get back there. Shake these terrible thoughts and body symptoms and the overwhelming sense that living in my own skin is hard. That each moment is to be endured, not savored. I long to stop clock watching and wondering and waiting and hoping beyond hope that all this will go away soon. All I want is peace. Mind, body, sprit. Mental health. A calm healthy body. And a passion for living each day.

This is something I’ve never felt or had to face before. And it makes me wonder. Is it hormones? Is it because my mom is not here? Is it a serious health problem that the doctor has not found? Is it my own mind, wrestling with myself making it worse? Or is it just a postpartum phase that will go away with time? I wonder how long it will last? And how long I will have to feel this way? Or why all my efforts and attempts to chose happiness and peace are not working?   

 

Oh mom, I stayed on the medication for 5 weeks, I gave it a good try, but it didn't agree with me so I went off.  I'm seeing a therapist, a nuturopath, taking my vitamins, meditating, walking and doing yoga.  I'm trying my best to carry on, socialize, and get out there in spite of it all.  But I'm tried, mom.  Tired of feeling and living this way. 

I know that my body wants to find balance. A body and mind cannot exist in this state forever. They WANT to find peace. They want balance. Surely, they are trying hard to find it.

I am trying to trust. Trying to have faith. Trying to accept my path and float with it instead of flight it. To believe that all this will end, and when it does it will somehow make me a better, stronger, and more compassionate person. That the lesson will be worth all of this, in the end. And, as always, I am trying desperately to hold onto hope. Hope that the best is yet to come.

I love you mom. Stay with me. And hey – give me a sign! I could really use one right about now.

Your brave daughter.

Trying

My beautiful Mother,

I’ve been on the medication a week and a half now, and I’ve noticed a few changes for the better.   I've been doing yoga and meditation and walking daily, which helps and is bringing me back to the present moment.  There have been some moments of hope and peace creeping back in, mixed with the torture of dread in others. But overall, I am letting myself believe that I will get back to myself. That time and patience is all I need. And to remember that life is a good. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s all a beautiful wonderful gift to be lived as best we can in each and every single moment. So that is what I’m trying to focus on mom. Staying in the moment. And having faith. Faith that I will be okay, faith that this will all end, and faith that the magic and wonder and peace that I am longing for will be mine, very very soon. I know you want that for me mom, so stay with me. Help me remember that time will heal. That this too shall pass. That life is what you make it, and each moment comes with a choice. There is nothing to fear. Life is beautiful. All I need is inside me.

Your loving daughter.

xo

My hour of need

Hi Mom,

I’m back.   Yes, already.  Now that I've started I don't think I can stop.    It feels good to talk to you like this.  To write.   It feels like myself.  

 

I just got through one of the worst moments of my life. Like you would tell me to, I reached out. I opened my heart. I asked for help from a friend. And it helped. I also took the full dose of the medication even though I was terrified and have committed to staying on it for 3 weeks. Oh mom, this last three weeks have been unbearable. But I want nothing more than to do this. I have accepted invitations. Gone to the doctors by myself. I am breaking through, in spite of my fear – in hopes that my mind will catch up with me soon. I am putting my trust in the divine power of the universe that by accepting and continuing to move through it, that all will work itself out. That soon, I will feel a sense of permanent peace within my body. That soon all the thoughts will leave my head. That my body will thrive and the physical symptoms will disappear. And I, once again, will be myself.

I need you with me mom. To help me through each day, each moment. Please stay by my side. I know you will. I trust you. And I trust myself to be able to do this.

Soon, mommy, soon. I will be myself again. I will be BETTER than myself. Stronger, happier, and more at peace than I’ve ever been before.

I love you mom. Stay with me.  And don't let me give up.  

 

Your daughter, forever.

 

A Letter to Heaven.

Dear mom,

Our little girl is finally here and she is perfect. I wish you were here to meet her. To hold her. To hold me. To help me love and care for her. To tell me I’m a good mother and that I’m doing the right things. To show me the right things to do to help her develop and grow and thrive. I am really missing your presence mom. And I feel so alone without your guidance. I’ve been so consumed with worry, I’m worried I might never feel like myself again. I know you would tell me that everything will be okay. I know you would tell me that she’s perfect. Not to worry about her health. Not to focus on my own. Not to focus on my negative thoughts. Your positive attitude would be contagious, helping to get me out there. Enjoying my moments with my kids. And helping me to remember that each moment is a precious gift. I know this. I really do. I’ve just been so worried that something is wrong with her. And now that something is wrong with me. That I won’t be a good mom to them. That I’m not strong enough to take care of them. To drive them places. To interact with the world. To get them involved. To be the kind of mom you were to me. My anxiety has flaired to an all time high, leaving me jittery and scared most of the day. And the thoughts that run through my head are so scary mom. Like, am I going crazy? Do I have a mental illness? Will I ever be able to cope and feel calm and at peace in my own body. I know you would say Lisa. You have GOT to snap out of this. Life is what you make it. You can do this. You are a great mom. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll be fine. You are strong. And loving. And those kids are lucky to have you. But I don’t feel like that way right now mom and I’m so scared for my family. And for Dave. My amazing husband who I’ve placed so much on his shoulders. All because I can’t get control of my own thoughts. Life seemed so much easier when you were here. I know I am strong mom. I know I can do this. I just don’t want it to be so hard. I want to enjoy my life. My children. My days. Our perfect little angels who we worked so hard to get.

What should I do mom? Where should I start? How can I climb out of this hole?

I’m listening.....

I’m listening.....

“Take a deep breath. Smile. Say a little prayer. And know that I am right there with you. You CAN do this. And I love you. Your dad loves you. Dave loves you. And your little kids love you. Think positive. And stay in the moment. Life really is amazing. I had a great life and I want the same for you. You have to CHOSE it. And you can do it.”