A new Start

After going to Pine Rest and getting some of my anxiety and depression under control with medication, great tools, and people who assured me, that YES, I Will be myself again -- they told me that I needed to do some grief therapy.

So I went to my therapist and we discussed my grief.  I cried.  I cried not only because I so desperately miss my mom and wish she could be here to be a part of my kids lives.   But I cried over the loss of the dream, the vision for what my life would be like when I had a family of my own.   I imagined her there for all the big events and milestones, I imagined Christmas and birthdays and Easter.  I imagined weekly family dinners and walks and outings together.   I imagined mother daughter lunches and shopping days.   I imagine her babysitting and the close relationships she would have with my kids.  I imagined her being a part of it all, a part of each day.   I realized not it's a significant hole in my day that I now need to find meaningful ways to fill.  I also have to realize that with not around to drop in and spread joy into my life, that parenting at home all day is actually fairly isolating, a little boring, and a lot lonely.   None of which I ever thought it would be.   And I didn't expect it.   Because it wasn't like that when Cooper was a baby, in fact even though my mom was going through chemo and getting sicker, she was still there.  There was still joy.    She was still a part of it.   We were a family.   And now that her passing, and all the IVF and horrible pregnancy was behind me, it was finally time to be happy.   And I was for a while, but then Christmas was over, January set in, Dave went back to work, and there I was alone, snowed in, with two kids, and no mom.   

Anyway, my therapist says the hole will always be there but we learn to grow around it,   We find new ways to fill our hearts the best we can.  She suggested I make a cup of tea, sit down for 15 minutes and write a letter to my mom each day while I drink it.   I like this idea, so that will be something I intend to do.

So, on to a new tradition.... I have my tea ready.