Just a note to start my day

Hi Mom,

How ya doing?    Oh how I wish I could pick up the phone and say those words to you.   What are you up to today?   Wanna come over?

Grief is one of those strange strange things.   And your loss, I fear is the deepest.    I miss you mommy.   So much.   I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you tight.   That you could tell me that everything is going to be alright.   That we are all going to have a wonderful happy life together.   And in a way, we did, didn't we   We had the happiest life ever.   I had such a wonderful blessed childhood and growing up in to an adult we became best of friends.   I want that for my own kids, mom.   I want to be the kind of mother you were to me.  Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.   Not capable enough.  Not sure enough of myself.  I don't want anxiety to hold me back.   And I don't want the loneliness and loss of missing you to leave a hole in my heart.   I still want it all mom.  A rich, full, beautiful life, with my kids.   I know that you can't be here for it.   But in a way you still are.   You're in my heart everyday.    I'm so lonely without you, but I want to try to open my heart and try to fill the hole, even just a little, try to grow around it, as my therapist says.    And remember and focus on the precious present moment and the beauty of today and the promise of an amazing happy future with my family.

Today, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.  Maybe a walk, maybe some backyard playing with Cooper --- I might fill his pool.  Today is his last day at kids Co-op.  Can you believe it?    Then tomorrow he has his graduation party and orientation for JK!     I can't believe it's all happening so fast now.    Everlie said momma a few days ago, and it melted my heart into pieces.  momma.  Momma.   What a beautiful sound.   Oh mommy.   It's still the most beautiful sound in the world.  

I love you and promise to make the most of today.  To see what adventures can happen, what relationships can form.  I will open my heart, go slow, and do what I can to love my family and let them love me.   I will breathe.  And I will think of you often.  

Until I write again tomorrow,
I love you.
Lisa