Grief Work

Hi Mom,

I've been doing some grief work with my therapist.    To me, I feel like I've lost a dream for my life that I envisioned all my life.  My therapist says I will have to grow around the hole that has been left in my life.   Like a big branch that falls off a tree.  The hole isn't there forever, but it never really goes away either.  The tree grows around the hole, covering it over time with bark and the remembrance that the branch was once there.  It will stay forever as part of the tree and the tree will continue to grow, though that branch will never be back, the imprint of the branch will be there forever.
I think it would be easier if I had you to model to be a good mom.   You had all these wonderful ideas for activities and crafts that you did with your daycare kids for years.  You made everything so fun.   You got involved.  You really were amazing with kids.   I wish you could help me organize and plan my day.   Think of fun things for the kids to do.  Crafts I can enjoy with them.   Games I can play.   I wish you could join in so it doesn't feel so lonely.

Oh mom, I think I don't quite know how to be a good mom, the way you were to me.   I feel inadequate to live up to it.  I feel limited and unconfident so much of the time.   I feel like there is a big happy wonderful piece of our lives missing... and I wish you could be here to fill it.  

It's the long weekend this weekend and we plan to go to the pipe band, kids day parade and see the fireworks on the beach.   I will try to make it fun mom.  I will try to do the little things.   I will try to be the best mom I can be but mostly I will give myself permission to go a little slower, and just do what I can.   And hold my kids and husband as often as I can.  

I'm going out for a girls night tonight.   And I will strive to make deeper friendships and laugh as much as I can.   

I will move forward.    And let myself feel all the joy that still exists even though you are not here.   I will focus on my family.  My future.  And the kind of person and mother I want to be.  

I love you forever,
Lisa