A Letter to Heaven.

Dear mom,

Our little girl is finally here and she is perfect. I wish you were here to meet her. To hold her. To hold me. To help me love and care for her. To tell me I’m a good mother and that I’m doing the right things. To show me the right things to do to help her develop and grow and thrive. I am really missing your presence mom. And I feel so alone without your guidance. I’ve been so consumed with worry, I’m worried I might never feel like myself again. I know you would tell me that everything will be okay. I know you would tell me that she’s perfect. Not to worry about her health. Not to focus on my own. Not to focus on my negative thoughts. Your positive attitude would be contagious, helping to get me out there. Enjoying my moments with my kids. And helping me to remember that each moment is a precious gift. I know this. I really do. I’ve just been so worried that something is wrong with her. And now that something is wrong with me. That I won’t be a good mom to them. That I’m not strong enough to take care of them. To drive them places. To interact with the world. To get them involved. To be the kind of mom you were to me. My anxiety has flaired to an all time high, leaving me jittery and scared most of the day. And the thoughts that run through my head are so scary mom. Like, am I going crazy? Do I have a mental illness? Will I ever be able to cope and feel calm and at peace in my own body. I know you would say Lisa. You have GOT to snap out of this. Life is what you make it. You can do this. You are a great mom. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll be fine. You are strong. And loving. And those kids are lucky to have you. But I don’t feel like that way right now mom and I’m so scared for my family. And for Dave. My amazing husband who I’ve placed so much on his shoulders. All because I can’t get control of my own thoughts. Life seemed so much easier when you were here. I know I am strong mom. I know I can do this. I just don’t want it to be so hard. I want to enjoy my life. My children. My days. Our perfect little angels who we worked so hard to get.

What should I do mom? Where should I start? How can I climb out of this hole?

I’m listening.....

I’m listening.....

“Take a deep breath. Smile. Say a little prayer. And know that I am right there with you. You CAN do this. And I love you. Your dad loves you. Dave loves you. And your little kids love you. Think positive. And stay in the moment. Life really is amazing. I had a great life and I want the same for you. You have to CHOSE it. And you can do it.”