Fall is Coming

Dear Mom,

Fall always makes me think of you.   The season you left us.   The season you gave birth to me.   All the years of back to school shopping, pumpkin pies, fall decorations.    It's a time for reflection, letting go, and moving forward.   A season of family, warmth, and love.

The other day I took Cooper for his first needle and banana split afterwards.   The same as you did with me.  I cannot believe it.   I have come full circle in so many ways.  I am a mom, sharing a memory with my child, that I can remember sharing with you.   I have worked through my phobia so that I can now be there to hold my son while he gets a needle.  It's amazing really.  How far I've come.  

I wish I could say, that I could leave these body symtoms and thoughts behind me too.  I wish I did not have to struggle and work so hard everyday.   I wish things could be easy and carefree and happy.    I am working toward that mom.   Harder than I ever have.  

I wish you could lay your hands on my back and tell me that you're proud of how far I've come.  That you know I will get through this, that I am an amazing mom, that you love me, that I can do anything I want to and that you believe in me.   And you KNOW i'll get through this.

Oh mom.   Our Cooper is going to school.   TO SCHOOL.   I remember the first day I got on the bus.   I remember the picture you took of me.  Of hugging you goodbye.  I thought you would be here for this moment.   I thought we would be sending him off together.  I'm not ready for my baby to grow up yet.   I'm not ready for any of it. 

But that's the thing about life, isn't it?  We are never quite ready.   Yet, moving forward is our only choice.   And to enjoy each moment.   I hope one day soon, I will be in the moment, grounded solid, with peace in my mind, body and soul.   So that, I too, can enjoy every single wonderful moment that lies ahead...

I love you,
Lisa