Summer is Winding Down

Fall always makes me think of you.  My birthday, back to school shopping, a whole new year.  Leaves falling, more inside days, and of course all the memories of your fall decorations and everything you did to make fall an amazing time of year.  

I miss you mom.   Oh god, I miss you.    I know you're gone.  I know you can't come back.  I know that I have to move forward, get on with my own life, my own traditions, my own memories... but I long for you in such a deep way.   I wish you were here for Cooper's first day of school, for Everlie's first birthday, for Thanksgiving, for decorating and fall fairs and pumpkin pies.   I wish you were here to go shopping with, to help with Cooper, to tell me I'm a good mom, to inspire me to be the kind of parent you were to me.    It's hard to live without you mom.   Even though I love my family.   I wish you were here to reassure me, to wrap your arms around me.  To cry and to laugh with me.   To spend time with me, to help ease the loneliness and isolation, to see my accomplishments, to be proud of me, to encourage me on.  To let me know that I am perfect and wonderful and amazing, just the way I am.

Oh mom.    My birthday is coming.  The day you gave birth to me.  The day you gave me life.   The day you first held me in your arms and promised to love me forever.  I know you're still holding me, loving me, looking down with your hands around my heart. I know you want happiness for me, peace, a great wonderful amazing life.   I know you sent me Everlie.   She's a part of you and me both, our connection.   I know you sent her to me to love, to help me heal, to help me remember and share those same bonds with a daughter of my own.   She's gorgeous.   She's perfect.   And she loves me so much.

I have an amazing family and I am so blessed and lucky.    And with your strength inside me I know I can overcome this.    Sometimes I just need to be reminded.  Sometimes I just need to be held, need your pep talk, need to fall unto the arms of my mom. 

Hold my heart a little tighter today mom and give me a sign that everything is going to be okay.   That with each step I'm getting closer and closer.