Processing

Hi Mom,

I had a great weekend.  The weather was great.   We were busy.  We had a ton of sunshine and perfect beach weather.   I think I'm still processing everything over the past few days.

First, Dave got his vasectomy, which means no more kids.   I think it's the best decision, but still, a little part of me wonders if we should have left it up to fate.   I'm fairly certain though, that we made the right decision.

Then Aunt Ollie came for a visit.  It was so nice to see her mom.   It was comforting.  And so nice to have her around to shop with and talk with and make a fuss over the kids.    Just being around her made me feel closer to you.  I gave her some of your costume jewelry.   And a friends angel statue and some of your coats and hats.    I wished she could have stayed longer.  Part of me hoped that her and dad would have a spark and that she didn't already have a boyfriend.  I think it would be nice for dad to have a partner in his life to do things with, travel with, grow old with.    And since it can't be you, I'd really like it to be someone I like.  Someone who likes the kids.  Someone who can be like a second mom and grandma to our family. And someone who won't be threatened by pictures or memories of you.  I thought Ollie seemed like she fits a lot of those categories.  But it looks like it's not meant to be.  Oh, funny thing, she was late for everything!   he he.  I bet you got a kick out of that up there, saying, yep, that's just Ollie.  Don't expect her to be on time for anything.     A little inside joke.

Next I met with my therapist on your bench for a grief session.  Which actually was only a partial grief session.  We just kinda talked about other stuff.  Things that came up.    We went for a little walk on the beach.  She is a rock collector too and we looked for our favorite stones together.   She likes stones with holes all the way through, she thinks they are special and have holy meaning for her.  I told her which ones I look for and the one's you used to pick up.     I told her how when I'm walking down the beach, sometimes I pick up a stone, and imagine that maybe, just maybe it was the same stone you once picked up and rolled over in your fingers, as I am doing now in mine.  It makes me feel close to you.     She said I seemed better, happier, more present during this session.   I have to admit, things have been going a lot better lately.    I'm still scared, maybe of just where I was, and never wanting to go back there.    But I'm opening my heart, following the plan, and doing my best.

We're just starting to plan our summer vacations and what to do for Cooper's birthday this year.     I wish you were around to help plan and make it special.    That would just be about the best thing in the whole world.     Dad offered to let Cooper have a beach party at his house.... but Cooper thinks he might rather go to Great Wolf Lodge.  I just want to make a decision and let him have a great day.    Oh, how I wish you could be here for it mom.    

Other than that, I've just been so busy these last few days, and I think just processing my feelings about the whirlwind couple of days and everything it's making me think about.

Life is what you make it, I hear you saying.  

I know, mom, I really do.    And I want to make it great.

xo