Dear Mom,
The laundry is backed up beyond belief, the house is a mess, and Sue is coming in about an hour. I'm trying to release the need to have things perfect, remembering that she is here to help.
Last night I had Dad and Uncle Henry over for dinner, we had spaghetti with garlic bread and the strawberry rhubarb pie for dessert with was great, btw. Speaking of Uncle Henry, his house is up for sale and he's moving back to Guelph soon. Oh mom, I hope dad will be okay. He seems fine. Dad always seems to be able to roll with the punches but it will be hard on him I think. They walked together every morning and watched some games together and had hot tub nights. Not to mention working together. Dad says he will continue to work by himself, but I worry about him a little. It's going to be hard for one person to do and lift some of the things he will need to do. Not to mention, it's a bit boring working by yourself. But he says he'll take jobs that he can manage, I just hope he doesn't overdo it. Sort of sad, Uncle Henry moving back to Guelph, eh? I'm sure this is not how dad imagined his retirement years turning out. First you, now Henry in Guelph. But he's such a positive guy and he's moving forward and making new friends and spending lots of time with us. He's really the best grandpa mom, you'd be so proud of him. You'd love to see what buddies Cooper and him have become. And Everlie lights up when she sees him too.
Today we might go to the beach. Amy is now in town for the summer, and I hope to spend a lot of time with her. She lost her mom too early too. So it's nice that we have each other. Dad says he might put up a tire swing for Cooper today and we got a little swing for Everlie as well. I think Cooper will love it.
It'll be nice for Sue to be here and spend some time with her. The kids love their nana, and it's nice that she makes such an effort to come to see them. And it will be even nicer that Dave and I will have a date night tonight -- which is much needed and maybe we can both sleep in tomorrow. Dave really needs it, he's been working hard to hold things together. I'm so lucky to have him as my family.
I'm pretty lucky all around when I stop and notice what I have in my life. Sometimes I want to cry that you are not here, maybe I always will. But I'm blessed. And I feel you with us. I feel you looking down on all of us, saying, it's okay Lisa -- be happy. Let yourself be happy and enjoy every minute. I am watching and I will never leave your side. You can do it. You can do anything.
I love you mom. Thanks for the pep talk.
xo
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Baking
Dear Mom,
Last night I had a girls night out which was good for me, to laugh and talk and feel normal.
Today Dave, and Cooper and I baked Strawberry Rhubarb pies. I don't think I've ever baked a pie myself before. Of course, I've baked them with you, but that was so long ago, before we started buying them from Marge's.
It was fun. And messy. We made 3 pies. And I boiled the rest into strawberry rubharb stew for ice-cream topping thoughtout the summer. I want to have a pie tonight for dinner that we baked. And maybe give the other 2 pies to people who have helped me in some way during all this. And I'll give some of the rubharb stew to dad to keep with a box of vanilla ice-cream. You know how much he likes his ice-cream!
Oh mom, Everlie is so beautiful and she just learned to sit up on her own today from a laying down position. She's so proud of herself. She loves Dave and I so much. And I just love her to pieces. And Cooper, our little guy, is getting so independent and wants to try EVERYTHING by himself. It can be a bit exhausting, but it will serve him well later in life. And he's so smart for his age. I can't believe he'll be going to JK this fall! I've been wondering whether I should let him go on the bus this young or drive him for the first year? I've been wondering whether I should keep him home on Friday's to give him some time to play with Everlie and still have his mommy time. It's all day everyday! At just 4! It seems so young mom. I wish I knew what you'd tell me, but I suppose in the end, I'll just do what feels right.
I wish you were here to enjoy the long weekend with us. Tonight is the first pipe band for all of us. I wonder what Everlie will think of it and whether Cooper will be as into it as he has been the past two years? I will let you know tomorrow.
And then Sue is coming for the Canada Day festivities. And then it's fireworks on the beach. I hope it's warm. And Dave and I are going to try to fit in a date night Sunday night when she's here -- something long overdue.
Right now I'm cuddling a Sleepy Cooper while I type this to you one-handed. The things moms get good at, eh?
Talk soon xxoo
Last night I had a girls night out which was good for me, to laugh and talk and feel normal.
Today Dave, and Cooper and I baked Strawberry Rhubarb pies. I don't think I've ever baked a pie myself before. Of course, I've baked them with you, but that was so long ago, before we started buying them from Marge's.
It was fun. And messy. We made 3 pies. And I boiled the rest into strawberry rubharb stew for ice-cream topping thoughtout the summer. I want to have a pie tonight for dinner that we baked. And maybe give the other 2 pies to people who have helped me in some way during all this. And I'll give some of the rubharb stew to dad to keep with a box of vanilla ice-cream. You know how much he likes his ice-cream!
Oh mom, Everlie is so beautiful and she just learned to sit up on her own today from a laying down position. She's so proud of herself. She loves Dave and I so much. And I just love her to pieces. And Cooper, our little guy, is getting so independent and wants to try EVERYTHING by himself. It can be a bit exhausting, but it will serve him well later in life. And he's so smart for his age. I can't believe he'll be going to JK this fall! I've been wondering whether I should let him go on the bus this young or drive him for the first year? I've been wondering whether I should keep him home on Friday's to give him some time to play with Everlie and still have his mommy time. It's all day everyday! At just 4! It seems so young mom. I wish I knew what you'd tell me, but I suppose in the end, I'll just do what feels right.
I wish you were here to enjoy the long weekend with us. Tonight is the first pipe band for all of us. I wonder what Everlie will think of it and whether Cooper will be as into it as he has been the past two years? I will let you know tomorrow.
And then Sue is coming for the Canada Day festivities. And then it's fireworks on the beach. I hope it's warm. And Dave and I are going to try to fit in a date night Sunday night when she's here -- something long overdue.
Right now I'm cuddling a Sleepy Cooper while I type this to you one-handed. The things moms get good at, eh?
Talk soon xxoo
Friday, June 28, 2013
Grief Work
Hi Mom,
I've been doing some grief work with my therapist. To me, I feel like I've lost a dream for my life that I envisioned all my life. My therapist says I will have to grow around the hole that has been left in my life. Like a big branch that falls off a tree. The hole isn't there forever, but it never really goes away either. The tree grows around the hole, covering it over time with bark and the remembrance that the branch was once there. It will stay forever as part of the tree and the tree will continue to grow, though that branch will never be back, the imprint of the branch will be there forever.
I think it would be easier if I had you to model to be a good mom. You had all these wonderful ideas for activities and crafts that you did with your daycare kids for years. You made everything so fun. You got involved. You really were amazing with kids. I wish you could help me organize and plan my day. Think of fun things for the kids to do. Crafts I can enjoy with them. Games I can play. I wish you could join in so it doesn't feel so lonely.
Oh mom, I think I don't quite know how to be a good mom, the way you were to me. I feel inadequate to live up to it. I feel limited and unconfident so much of the time. I feel like there is a big happy wonderful piece of our lives missing... and I wish you could be here to fill it.
It's the long weekend this weekend and we plan to go to the pipe band, kids day parade and see the fireworks on the beach. I will try to make it fun mom. I will try to do the little things. I will try to be the best mom I can be but mostly I will give myself permission to go a little slower, and just do what I can. And hold my kids and husband as often as I can.
I'm going out for a girls night tonight. And I will strive to make deeper friendships and laugh as much as I can.
I will move forward. And let myself feel all the joy that still exists even though you are not here. I will focus on my family. My future. And the kind of person and mother I want to be.
I love you forever,
Lisa
I've been doing some grief work with my therapist. To me, I feel like I've lost a dream for my life that I envisioned all my life. My therapist says I will have to grow around the hole that has been left in my life. Like a big branch that falls off a tree. The hole isn't there forever, but it never really goes away either. The tree grows around the hole, covering it over time with bark and the remembrance that the branch was once there. It will stay forever as part of the tree and the tree will continue to grow, though that branch will never be back, the imprint of the branch will be there forever.
I think it would be easier if I had you to model to be a good mom. You had all these wonderful ideas for activities and crafts that you did with your daycare kids for years. You made everything so fun. You got involved. You really were amazing with kids. I wish you could help me organize and plan my day. Think of fun things for the kids to do. Crafts I can enjoy with them. Games I can play. I wish you could join in so it doesn't feel so lonely.
Oh mom, I think I don't quite know how to be a good mom, the way you were to me. I feel inadequate to live up to it. I feel limited and unconfident so much of the time. I feel like there is a big happy wonderful piece of our lives missing... and I wish you could be here to fill it.
It's the long weekend this weekend and we plan to go to the pipe band, kids day parade and see the fireworks on the beach. I will try to make it fun mom. I will try to do the little things. I will try to be the best mom I can be but mostly I will give myself permission to go a little slower, and just do what I can. And hold my kids and husband as often as I can.
I'm going out for a girls night tonight. And I will strive to make deeper friendships and laugh as much as I can.
I will move forward. And let myself feel all the joy that still exists even though you are not here. I will focus on my family. My future. And the kind of person and mother I want to be.
I love you forever,
Lisa
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Dear Mom,
I had a fun weekend on the beach... I felt good. Like myself. It was so nice to enjoy the day and feel at peace. The weekdays are still a little hard with Dave at work and no other adults to talk to. I just don't want my mind to ever go back there. But the medications are working and I've joined a yoga class down at the beach which is really great. I think it's the same one you took. What a peaceful setting, I know why you loved it here so much.
Yesterday dad and I finally took all your clothes to Stratford. We dropped some off at the women's shelter called Optimism Place, and we took the rest to the House of Blessing, where people in need can get the clothes for free. It was hard to do, but I know you would have been proud of us and to know your clothes are going to someone who really needs them. I kept some for myself, which was nice too. Now it's just a matter of re-organizing my closet that REALLY needs to be done. I wish you were here to help. It's always fun doing a chore like that with someone else. Makes it not so painfully boring and lonely. But I'll put on some music someday and just plow through it.... if I ever get a chance. Two kids is harder than I thought it would be.
This morning is a beautiful day. I have both kids and we are going to hopefully spend most of our day outside and some of it inside, baking. I haven't tried baking with the kids in a while. I used to do it all the time. So maybe today I'll give it a try, go slow and try make the most of this day.
One step at a time mom,
I miss you and need to find a way to fill the deep hole of loneliness with meaning and significance. I'm trying. You'd be proud of me. I know you'd say that I'm a great mom, and I'm doing the best I can and that love is all my kids really need. I know you'd put your arms around me and assure me that there is so much joy ahead of me. And I know it too, mom, it's just a bit of a slow road back there as I climb my way through this post partum period. I wish I could call you today, so instead you get a letter. Love you mom. Wish me a good day with my beautiful kids.
xo
I had a fun weekend on the beach... I felt good. Like myself. It was so nice to enjoy the day and feel at peace. The weekdays are still a little hard with Dave at work and no other adults to talk to. I just don't want my mind to ever go back there. But the medications are working and I've joined a yoga class down at the beach which is really great. I think it's the same one you took. What a peaceful setting, I know why you loved it here so much.
Yesterday dad and I finally took all your clothes to Stratford. We dropped some off at the women's shelter called Optimism Place, and we took the rest to the House of Blessing, where people in need can get the clothes for free. It was hard to do, but I know you would have been proud of us and to know your clothes are going to someone who really needs them. I kept some for myself, which was nice too. Now it's just a matter of re-organizing my closet that REALLY needs to be done. I wish you were here to help. It's always fun doing a chore like that with someone else. Makes it not so painfully boring and lonely. But I'll put on some music someday and just plow through it.... if I ever get a chance. Two kids is harder than I thought it would be.
This morning is a beautiful day. I have both kids and we are going to hopefully spend most of our day outside and some of it inside, baking. I haven't tried baking with the kids in a while. I used to do it all the time. So maybe today I'll give it a try, go slow and try make the most of this day.
One step at a time mom,
I miss you and need to find a way to fill the deep hole of loneliness with meaning and significance. I'm trying. You'd be proud of me. I know you'd say that I'm a great mom, and I'm doing the best I can and that love is all my kids really need. I know you'd put your arms around me and assure me that there is so much joy ahead of me. And I know it too, mom, it's just a bit of a slow road back there as I climb my way through this post partum period. I wish I could call you today, so instead you get a letter. Love you mom. Wish me a good day with my beautiful kids.
xo
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Missing You
This is a poem I wrote shortly after my passed away. The loss of a mother is truly one of the biggest losses of our lives.
This hole
Gets deeper
Not smaller
As time goes by
The memories sweet
The love boundless
The void everywhere
Your presence missed forever
My life changed forever.
Sunday Morning
Good Morning Mom,
It's Sunday morning, and I'm just getting ready to start the day. I'm feeling pretty good today and I want to make the most of my days. I can't help looking over my shoulder though, frightened that it will all come pouring back. But like dad reminds me, you have move forward. Move forward. And remind myself that my future looks bright. There is nothing to be afraid of in my future. Dave continues to assure me that I will get better. That soon this will all be behind me. And that I will be back to myself. Fun, loving, ready to entertain, and focus on my family and make each day special. That I will enjoy each day. I'm trying, I'm not quite there yet, but I am trying. Last night we had a special family movie night on the bean bag and I felt truly happy. I was full of love and hope.
I felt your presence. But I also felt just the happiness of the four of us. Our little family, snuggled together and the promise of good things to come.
So today I vow to take one more step forward. And enjoy whatever the day may bring, to let go of the negative fear holding me back. And once again choose faith over fear.
I will give dad a hug from you today. It'll be our little secret. I'll let you hug him through me and fill him up with strength and love and happiness as he moves forward too.
Xo
It's Sunday morning, and I'm just getting ready to start the day. I'm feeling pretty good today and I want to make the most of my days. I can't help looking over my shoulder though, frightened that it will all come pouring back. But like dad reminds me, you have move forward. Move forward. And remind myself that my future looks bright. There is nothing to be afraid of in my future. Dave continues to assure me that I will get better. That soon this will all be behind me. And that I will be back to myself. Fun, loving, ready to entertain, and focus on my family and make each day special. That I will enjoy each day. I'm trying, I'm not quite there yet, but I am trying. Last night we had a special family movie night on the bean bag and I felt truly happy. I was full of love and hope.
I felt your presence. But I also felt just the happiness of the four of us. Our little family, snuggled together and the promise of good things to come.
So today I vow to take one more step forward. And enjoy whatever the day may bring, to let go of the negative fear holding me back. And once again choose faith over fear.
I will give dad a hug from you today. It'll be our little secret. I'll let you hug him through me and fill him up with strength and love and happiness as he moves forward too.
Xo
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Asolutely Clear -- A poem that resonates with me tonight
Absolutely Clear
Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.
Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.
Cooper is so wise
Dear Mom,
Today sadness has taken hold. It's the first marching band tonight. I know I should be excited for the kids to go, but due to the weather (could rain) I'm been making excuses to stay inside. That's just not like me. I hate not being like me. It's hard work actually. I've been waiting for summer all year. Those lazy hazy beautiful beach days and warm nights. And today I'm hoping summer can come another time, when I'm better. When I'm more like me.
So I think we will hunker down and have a movie night and hold my kids and husband tight.
And think about everything in my life that I'm grateful for. And right now that's my little boy who just gave me a hug and asked me why I was crying and I said, I just miss your grandma, and he said, don't worry mommy, she's still with us, remember -- right in your heart.
If that won't make me smile, I don't know what will.
I love you mom. And I'll keep working hard. I'm following the plan. And I will not stop until I get back to myself. My family deserves to have me back. And I promise you that I will make you proud and I will come back to them. I will be myself again.
Help me mom, stay with me, and help me live through your example. Loving, fun, and doing the little things that matter, with a big open heart.
Your daughter always,
Lisa
Today sadness has taken hold. It's the first marching band tonight. I know I should be excited for the kids to go, but due to the weather (could rain) I'm been making excuses to stay inside. That's just not like me. I hate not being like me. It's hard work actually. I've been waiting for summer all year. Those lazy hazy beautiful beach days and warm nights. And today I'm hoping summer can come another time, when I'm better. When I'm more like me.
So I think we will hunker down and have a movie night and hold my kids and husband tight.
And think about everything in my life that I'm grateful for. And right now that's my little boy who just gave me a hug and asked me why I was crying and I said, I just miss your grandma, and he said, don't worry mommy, she's still with us, remember -- right in your heart.
If that won't make me smile, I don't know what will.
I love you mom. And I'll keep working hard. I'm following the plan. And I will not stop until I get back to myself. My family deserves to have me back. And I promise you that I will make you proud and I will come back to them. I will be myself again.
Help me mom, stay with me, and help me live through your example. Loving, fun, and doing the little things that matter, with a big open heart.
Your daughter always,
Lisa
Friday, June 21, 2013
I carry your heart
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart]
i carry your heart with me(i
carry it in
my heart)i am never without
it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and
whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my
darling)
i
fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my
sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are
my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a
moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always
sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a
tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or
mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's
keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it
in my heart)
Milestones
Hi Mom,
I missed you today. It was a big day for Cooper. He went to his kindergarten orientation and sat in the class and met his teacher. Then afterwards, we went to his graduation party from Kids Co-op, where he got a little diploma and they had all kinds of fun things for them to play and do. Dad came. And Cooper loved that. I always thought you would be here for these moments, these magical milestones in my Children's lives. Oh mom, you would have been so proud of him. He's got quite a little mind of his own and he's so smart. He's a handful let me tell you, but in such a good way. He's got a great big imagination. And he thinks of you all the time. He says goodnight to Grandma in heaven everynight. And he often talks about taking a rocket ship into space so we can see Grandma. Sometimes he just looks up into the sky and says your name. And he loves the song I wrote for you mom, and when he's in his room sleeping, sometimes I can hear him singing it all by himself. He would love you so much. He does. Even though you're not here.
I had another therapy session tonight and cried. Just about everything, you know, wanting you. Still needing you. Sometimes, you just need your mom. I long to hug you and hold your hand and snuggle up in bed with you and watch a movie. I long to have girls days and make dinners with you. And I long for you to participate in my joy with the kids. Everlie is getting so cute, mom. She's eight months and she's almost crawling. She lights up the room with her smile. And she loves me so much. It's beautiful to hear the words momma coming out of her mouth.
I can see why you loved me so much mom. Why I was your pride and joy. These kids are wonderful, beautiful creatures that Dave and I worked so hard to create. And they are here in this world with us. And I love them so much. There is so much love.
I love you too mom. You are in my heart forever. In fact, I was thinking of a poem today.... and reminds me of you.... and I will dedicate it to how I feel. You are with me, I carry your heart inside my heart.
I missed you today. It was a big day for Cooper. He went to his kindergarten orientation and sat in the class and met his teacher. Then afterwards, we went to his graduation party from Kids Co-op, where he got a little diploma and they had all kinds of fun things for them to play and do. Dad came. And Cooper loved that. I always thought you would be here for these moments, these magical milestones in my Children's lives. Oh mom, you would have been so proud of him. He's got quite a little mind of his own and he's so smart. He's a handful let me tell you, but in such a good way. He's got a great big imagination. And he thinks of you all the time. He says goodnight to Grandma in heaven everynight. And he often talks about taking a rocket ship into space so we can see Grandma. Sometimes he just looks up into the sky and says your name. And he loves the song I wrote for you mom, and when he's in his room sleeping, sometimes I can hear him singing it all by himself. He would love you so much. He does. Even though you're not here.
I had another therapy session tonight and cried. Just about everything, you know, wanting you. Still needing you. Sometimes, you just need your mom. I long to hug you and hold your hand and snuggle up in bed with you and watch a movie. I long to have girls days and make dinners with you. And I long for you to participate in my joy with the kids. Everlie is getting so cute, mom. She's eight months and she's almost crawling. She lights up the room with her smile. And she loves me so much. It's beautiful to hear the words momma coming out of her mouth.
I can see why you loved me so much mom. Why I was your pride and joy. These kids are wonderful, beautiful creatures that Dave and I worked so hard to create. And they are here in this world with us. And I love them so much. There is so much love.
I love you too mom. You are in my heart forever. In fact, I was thinking of a poem today.... and reminds me of you.... and I will dedicate it to how I feel. You are with me, I carry your heart inside my heart.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Just a note to start my day
Hi Mom,
How ya doing? Oh how I wish I could pick up the phone and say those words to you. What are you up to today? Wanna come over?
Grief is one of those strange strange things. And your loss, I fear is the deepest. I miss you mommy. So much. I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you tight. That you could tell me that everything is going to be alright. That we are all going to have a wonderful happy life together. And in a way, we did, didn't we We had the happiest life ever. I had such a wonderful blessed childhood and growing up in to an adult we became best of friends. I want that for my own kids, mom. I want to be the kind of mother you were to me. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not strong enough. Not capable enough. Not sure enough of myself. I don't want anxiety to hold me back. And I don't want the loneliness and loss of missing you to leave a hole in my heart. I still want it all mom. A rich, full, beautiful life, with my kids. I know that you can't be here for it. But in a way you still are. You're in my heart everyday. I'm so lonely without you, but I want to try to open my heart and try to fill the hole, even just a little, try to grow around it, as my therapist says. And remember and focus on the precious present moment and the beauty of today and the promise of an amazing happy future with my family.
Today, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Maybe a walk, maybe some backyard playing with Cooper --- I might fill his pool. Today is his last day at kids Co-op. Can you believe it? Then tomorrow he has his graduation party and orientation for JK! I can't believe it's all happening so fast now. Everlie said momma a few days ago, and it melted my heart into pieces. momma. Momma. What a beautiful sound. Oh mommy. It's still the most beautiful sound in the world.
I love you and promise to make the most of today. To see what adventures can happen, what relationships can form. I will open my heart, go slow, and do what I can to love my family and let them love me. I will breathe. And I will think of you often.
Until I write again tomorrow,
I love you.
Lisa
How ya doing? Oh how I wish I could pick up the phone and say those words to you. What are you up to today? Wanna come over?
Grief is one of those strange strange things. And your loss, I fear is the deepest. I miss you mommy. So much. I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you tight. That you could tell me that everything is going to be alright. That we are all going to have a wonderful happy life together. And in a way, we did, didn't we We had the happiest life ever. I had such a wonderful blessed childhood and growing up in to an adult we became best of friends. I want that for my own kids, mom. I want to be the kind of mother you were to me. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not strong enough. Not capable enough. Not sure enough of myself. I don't want anxiety to hold me back. And I don't want the loneliness and loss of missing you to leave a hole in my heart. I still want it all mom. A rich, full, beautiful life, with my kids. I know that you can't be here for it. But in a way you still are. You're in my heart everyday. I'm so lonely without you, but I want to try to open my heart and try to fill the hole, even just a little, try to grow around it, as my therapist says. And remember and focus on the precious present moment and the beauty of today and the promise of an amazing happy future with my family.
Today, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Maybe a walk, maybe some backyard playing with Cooper --- I might fill his pool. Today is his last day at kids Co-op. Can you believe it? Then tomorrow he has his graduation party and orientation for JK! I can't believe it's all happening so fast now. Everlie said momma a few days ago, and it melted my heart into pieces. momma. Momma. What a beautiful sound. Oh mommy. It's still the most beautiful sound in the world.
I love you and promise to make the most of today. To see what adventures can happen, what relationships can form. I will open my heart, go slow, and do what I can to love my family and let them love me. I will breathe. And I will think of you often.
Until I write again tomorrow,
I love you.
Lisa
A new Start
After going to Pine Rest and getting some of my anxiety and depression under control with medication, great tools, and people who assured me, that YES, I Will be myself again -- they told me that I needed to do some grief therapy.
So I went to my therapist and we discussed my grief. I cried. I cried not only because I so desperately miss my mom and wish she could be here to be a part of my kids lives. But I cried over the loss of the dream, the vision for what my life would be like when I had a family of my own. I imagined her there for all the big events and milestones, I imagined Christmas and birthdays and Easter. I imagined weekly family dinners and walks and outings together. I imagined mother daughter lunches and shopping days. I imagine her babysitting and the close relationships she would have with my kids. I imagined her being a part of it all, a part of each day. I realized not it's a significant hole in my day that I now need to find meaningful ways to fill. I also have to realize that with not around to drop in and spread joy into my life, that parenting at home all day is actually fairly isolating, a little boring, and a lot lonely. None of which I ever thought it would be. And I didn't expect it. Because it wasn't like that when Cooper was a baby, in fact even though my mom was going through chemo and getting sicker, she was still there. There was still joy. She was still a part of it. We were a family. And now that her passing, and all the IVF and horrible pregnancy was behind me, it was finally time to be happy. And I was for a while, but then Christmas was over, January set in, Dave went back to work, and there I was alone, snowed in, with two kids, and no mom.
Anyway, my therapist says the hole will always be there but we learn to grow around it, We find new ways to fill our hearts the best we can. She suggested I make a cup of tea, sit down for 15 minutes and write a letter to my mom each day while I drink it. I like this idea, so that will be something I intend to do.
So, on to a new tradition.... I have my tea ready.
So I went to my therapist and we discussed my grief. I cried. I cried not only because I so desperately miss my mom and wish she could be here to be a part of my kids lives. But I cried over the loss of the dream, the vision for what my life would be like when I had a family of my own. I imagined her there for all the big events and milestones, I imagined Christmas and birthdays and Easter. I imagined weekly family dinners and walks and outings together. I imagined mother daughter lunches and shopping days. I imagine her babysitting and the close relationships she would have with my kids. I imagined her being a part of it all, a part of each day. I realized not it's a significant hole in my day that I now need to find meaningful ways to fill. I also have to realize that with not around to drop in and spread joy into my life, that parenting at home all day is actually fairly isolating, a little boring, and a lot lonely. None of which I ever thought it would be. And I didn't expect it. Because it wasn't like that when Cooper was a baby, in fact even though my mom was going through chemo and getting sicker, she was still there. There was still joy. She was still a part of it. We were a family. And now that her passing, and all the IVF and horrible pregnancy was behind me, it was finally time to be happy. And I was for a while, but then Christmas was over, January set in, Dave went back to work, and there I was alone, snowed in, with two kids, and no mom.
Anyway, my therapist says the hole will always be there but we learn to grow around it, We find new ways to fill our hearts the best we can. She suggested I make a cup of tea, sit down for 15 minutes and write a letter to my mom each day while I drink it. I like this idea, so that will be something I intend to do.
So, on to a new tradition.... I have my tea ready.
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