Summer

Hi Mom,

I've been having some great beach days with Cooper and Everlie this week.   It's been wonderful to laugh and swim and hang out on the beach.   And tomorrow we leave for the cottage with Dave's family.  It's a little hectic getting ready.   I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, so Dave is doing a lot of the organizing.   And I'm a little worried about going down on my medication again while we are there, but I'm also really looking forward to some family time away.

I hope it moves me forward.

I want to continue to get better and better and enjoy this summer more and more.

I love you mom.  Wish we could have a beach day together.     Cooper sings your song now.  He loves it and it makes me so happy to hear him sing it... not to mention, reminds me of your advice to me over the years:

Life is what you make it
It's the little things that matter
Always say I love you
Take it off your shoulders
Stop to watch the sunset
Be thankful for your blessings
Live life to the fullest
And be here in the moment.
And open up your heart....

Amazing advice from an amazing women, who lived that way every day.

I love you,
Lisa

Processing

Hi Mom,

I had a great weekend.  The weather was great.   We were busy.  We had a ton of sunshine and perfect beach weather.   I think I'm still processing everything over the past few days.

First, Dave got his vasectomy, which means no more kids.   I think it's the best decision, but still, a little part of me wonders if we should have left it up to fate.   I'm fairly certain though, that we made the right decision.

Then Aunt Ollie came for a visit.  It was so nice to see her mom.   It was comforting.  And so nice to have her around to shop with and talk with and make a fuss over the kids.    Just being around her made me feel closer to you.  I gave her some of your costume jewelry.   And a friends angel statue and some of your coats and hats.    I wished she could have stayed longer.  Part of me hoped that her and dad would have a spark and that she didn't already have a boyfriend.  I think it would be nice for dad to have a partner in his life to do things with, travel with, grow old with.    And since it can't be you, I'd really like it to be someone I like.  Someone who likes the kids.  Someone who can be like a second mom and grandma to our family. And someone who won't be threatened by pictures or memories of you.  I thought Ollie seemed like she fits a lot of those categories.  But it looks like it's not meant to be.  Oh, funny thing, she was late for everything!   he he.  I bet you got a kick out of that up there, saying, yep, that's just Ollie.  Don't expect her to be on time for anything.     A little inside joke.

Next I met with my therapist on your bench for a grief session.  Which actually was only a partial grief session.  We just kinda talked about other stuff.  Things that came up.    We went for a little walk on the beach.  She is a rock collector too and we looked for our favorite stones together.   She likes stones with holes all the way through, she thinks they are special and have holy meaning for her.  I told her which ones I look for and the one's you used to pick up.     I told her how when I'm walking down the beach, sometimes I pick up a stone, and imagine that maybe, just maybe it was the same stone you once picked up and rolled over in your fingers, as I am doing now in mine.  It makes me feel close to you.     She said I seemed better, happier, more present during this session.   I have to admit, things have been going a lot better lately.    I'm still scared, maybe of just where I was, and never wanting to go back there.    But I'm opening my heart, following the plan, and doing my best.

We're just starting to plan our summer vacations and what to do for Cooper's birthday this year.     I wish you were around to help plan and make it special.    That would just be about the best thing in the whole world.     Dad offered to let Cooper have a beach party at his house.... but Cooper thinks he might rather go to Great Wolf Lodge.  I just want to make a decision and let him have a great day.    Oh, how I wish you could be here for it mom.    

Other than that, I've just been so busy these last few days, and I think just processing my feelings about the whirlwind couple of days and everything it's making me think about.

Life is what you make it, I hear you saying.  

I know, mom, I really do.    And I want to make it great.

xo 

Forever In My Heart

Dear mom,

This is the  song I wrote for you.   Cooper loves it.   And we listen to it, whenever I need a little time with my mom.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJyBc0Eq1XY

I love you mom.  You're forever in my heart.
xo

Aunt Ollie

Hi Mon, Today Ollie is coming for a visit.   She'll stay for a few days.   It's a gorgeous day out there.  Blue sky, sunny.  Perfect beach weather.    Not sure when she'll arrive, but we plan to spend the afternoon and hopefully most of tomorrow down by the beach.   I'm hoping she'll stay until Monday because maybe we can do a little shopping downtown and go out for lunch or something.    I think it'll be really nice to see her.   It definitely reminds me of you and all the great times.   I think dad is looking forward to it to.  He's taking her out to a play after the pipe band tonight --- all the oldies are playing, so that will be nice for them.   

I'm looking forward to a great weekend with my family, Aunt Ollie and lots of fun.    It'll be nice to have another woman's presence around this weekend.  I think we all need it.

Tell you all about it soon!
xo

The reason Why I must get better

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I feel like such a bad mother and wife.    That everything is always about me.    That all the thing from fertility treatments, to the hard pregnancies, to the deliveries, to my grief over losing you, and now this post partum mood disorder.   I feel like they have taken so much from those who need me.   Like Dave.   Like Cooper.  Like Everlie.   Like dad.  those who need me to take care of them, to teach them, play with them, clean the house for, make dinners for, make plans with -- to be the person that helps the wheels turn, that guides the ship, that takes care of the big things and remembers the little things and makes everyday happy and special for.  

I long to be confident and in control.  I long to be capable and strong.   courageous.   Happy.   At peace.   Loving.  Helpful.  Kind. Inspiring.   And most of all to make a difference in their lives, for the better.     To give more than I take.    And to be the best wife and mother I can be.   Too share and live with pure joy with this amazing family I have.

And to get better as much for me as for them.   

And engage and participate fully in my life and their lives.   With love, fun, and passion.   

I want to follow your example.   And be the kind of amazing mother and wife you were.

Send your spirit my way.
xo

Endings... and new beginnings

Dear Mom,

Today we  come full circle on our fertility struggles.    No more babies for us.  I know you are happy about this decision.  You were always so worried what impact those fertility drugs would have on me.   You were so worried about me during my labour with Cooper, and I know you are up there worried about me now, too.   Sending your love, strength, courage and hope to find my way through this struggle and out the other side.   I know all you want for me is to be happy.   To enjoy my life and make the most of each day.   To open my heart and let love in, fully.  Let it fill me up for all the days of my life.   I know you are routing for me, encouraging me on, telling me that I'm doing good and not to dare give up.   I know you don't want any of this for me any longer.   That we've been through enough.   I know you want my struggle to end.

I remember during those last days, crying into your neck, holding you tight.  
Be happy, you told me.  
Be happy with Cooper.  We've had a great life together.  Be happy with your family. 
But what will I do without you mom?   I still need you.
You'll be just fine.   You will be just fine.

I'm going to hold you to that mom.
I'm going to hold you to it.






 

Hands

Dear Mom,

Yesterday I had an amazing day.   A morning walk with a friend.   An afternoon at the beach with both kids.   An evening swim with Cooper and Dave, all topped off with yoga on the beach and a great sleep.
  
This morning I had a good morning.  Nice visit with dad, nice session with my therapist.

And now.  For the past hour or so, I've been noticing symptoms in my back and stomach making me worried about the lower dose of Ativan.  But mostly I just feel like crying.   I feel lonely.  Sad.   Unmotivated.

I called dad to see if he would watch the kids for a few hours tonight so Dave and I can have a date night.   A walk on the beach, an appetizer and a dessert on a patio.   Something special for just us.    He goes in for his vasectomy tomorrow.    What a full circle, huh?   Crazy, I can't even believe it.  It's so strange the way life works out.

But mom.  I wish I could shake this feeling of wanting to cry.  Of being down.  Of slipping back.    I know I'm moving forward, I do know that.   But I can't help feeling this way, and I don't know why.

Everything was going so great.   I feel in moments like this, the need to write.  The need to call, the need to throw my arms around my mommy and cry into your chest.   I feel the need to hold your hand.  I miss your hands.  They were so soft.   And small.   Like grandma's.   I wish I could see your hand again.    I wish they could wipe away my tears.

I love you mom.
I just want to be a good mom.  I want to be here, in this moment. I know you can't come back to me, but there is such a hole.   I wish you could.   I still need you mommy.   I hope I can make you proud.  I hope I can make my kids proud.   I hope I come out the other side a new and improved wife, mother, and daughter.   Confident and trusting and full of faith, that everything can still work out.  That life still has happy endings.  

And that I'm living one.

xo  

One of those days

Mom,

Today is one of those days.  It's kind of dull outside.  Cooper is home sick.   And I feel a little like a shut in.  I guess it's good after the busy weekend.   But I've been getting a wee bit more worried lately with the drop in my medication.   Overall I'm still way better, I'm just frustrated that it seems to be a process and can't just ALL be behind me now.  I just want to stop looking over my shoulder, worried that it will return and I'll be back in that spot.  I must continue to TRUST this process and have FAITH that I'm getting better and better, and SOON I will be all better and right back to myself.

I miss you.  Wish we could hang out today.   Watch a movie.  Or the Bachlorette tonight. 

Instead, hopefully I'll snuggle up to Dave and watch it.   He is such an amazing husband.   I really need and want a date night with him soon.  It's so hard to get us time with little kids.   And especially with my early bedtime these days.

I guess you were looking down Saturday night and saw that Deanna proposed to Ryan, while we took Jayce over night.   Cooper had so much fun.  And I really like Ryan.  I really hope they have a long happy life together.    If there's anything you can do about it from up there, give her a little extra strength and love to make it through the tough times together.

And stay with me too, mom.    I need you.
xo
PS -- Dad put up the tire swing for Cooper and he loves it.  He's such a good grandpa and dad.

Secrets

Hi Mom,

I have a little secret to share...  I wish you were here so I could tell you and you'd help me make it special.  I loved how we always traded secrets together.   It was always so fun to get your gossip and to give you mine. Of course, now when there is a secret to share, I desperately want to call you.   But for now I guess I'll have to make you wait.  Like the rest of them.  I'll tell you tomorrow after the secret is out, but for now I'll just tell you to look down at your bench around sunset tonight.   I think you'll be very happy.  Send some magic lasting love towards your bench.  I know you will.

I'm going to do something to help out and hopefully make it more special and meaningful.  Offering to help out is something  you ALWAYS did.    And it's something I want to make sure that I do more of in this lifetime.   

You were such a good example of how to pay attention to the little things and ways of making the everyday special.   

Well, until sunset... 

Then we'll talk tomorrow.

xoxo

Rainy Thursday

Hey Mom,

It's an overcast but warm Thursday morning.  They say thunder storms this afternoon.  But right now I'm drinking a cup of tea, in the cup you bought me, remember?  The one with the lady in the sundress walking on the beach in the brown floppy hat, among the umbrellas.  I love that cup.   It reminds me of how you looked waking on the beach.  It reminds me of how I look sometimes too.  It reminds me of us, a combination.    I love that it could be either one of us.... the spirit she exudes is in both of us.  

Cooper is at day camp for the morning doing a treasure hunt, and Everlie is having a little nap.  And I'm drinking my tea, thinking of you and remembering all the great walks we had on the beach together.

Tonight Dave is away at a sleep study, so I won't see him until tomorrow.   It'll just be me and the kids all night.   I wish you were around.  We could have a sleep over.  I miss sleepovers with you mom.  Crawling into bed, turning on a movie and snuggling up.   Tonight I will do it with my kids, if they will allow it, though they won't want to watch Under the Tuscan Sun, they'll want to watch Octonauts -- which Cooper is currently obsessed with.

I miss those days though, mom.  Crawling into bed together watching a movie.  I remember during your last days we all climbed in and watched Under the Tuscan Sun together -- probably for the millionth time.   And I remember in the hospital in London, crawling into that hospital bed and you were so sick and we were watching the Devil Wears Prada with one ear phone in your ear and one in mine.  But I wasn't really watching.   I was snuggled into you neck, holding you, thinking.... this might be the last movie I ever watch with my mom.   I was snuggled up, thinking that I never wanted to let go.   I didn't ever want that movie to end.  I didn't even want to get up out of the bed and have that moment gone.  

But we've had so many moments like that over the years it's hard to pick just one, isn't it?    I wish we could have more of them, like tonight, on this raining Thursday with Dave away for the night.   I wish my mom could come tuck me into bed and we could pop some popcorn and stay up late watching chick flicks.   Oh, how I wish.   Maybe I will watch one anyway mom, and think of you.    Imagine you there beside me, watching it with me, talking through the whole thing and driving me crazy.   

Oh how you used to drive me so crazy.   I miss that too mom.   I miss it all.

Your daughter forever,
Lisa xo

A new path

Dear Mom,

Well today I made some goals -- some new things for me to work toward.   Something to inspire me.  And aspire too.   I'm hoping that will help launch me forward.  

I have a therapist appointment this afternoon, and I'm not sure what we'll discuss.   But I think it will be good for me to get out and talk.  

Then tonight I'm hoping for a family walk maybe on the board walk or beach.   It sounds like it would be fun.  I'd love to try bike riding, but we think Everlie might be a bit too small yet.   We'll have to see.    

One of the things on my goals list, is to reach out and find one or two really good friends that I can count on and that we can have fun together as well as couple friends for Dave and I.   I think we need to build a strong set of friends that we get together with regularly, or have over or go out for drinks with.    I think we both need a social outlet and I'm hoping I can meet some lifelong friends here.

Of course, I still talk to Andrea and Katrina all the time, every day in fact, but email is only so fun.  I mean, we can't get together for coffee or drinks.   We can write and text and that's fun.   But I need friends I can get out with around here.   Lunch dates, shopping dates.  You know, all the things we used to do.   I miss it.

The other thing I'm going to do is try to challenge my limits mom.   There are lots of things in my life that I could expand and become more independent, and self-sufficient, and strong.   I will go slow, and slowly I will attempt to break through my own barriers to a richer, fuller life.

I know you are proud of me mom, even just for trying.  I know you believe in me.  And I know you're with me, encouraging me on, just as always.   Just as always.

A little down

Dear mom,

I'm a little down today, worrying about things, and just no feeling positive.  I didn't get out for my walk today, no yoga, or meditation -- so that could be part of the problem.   No adult contact throughout the day, and dad's working all week --- and I don't know if I can manage both kids at the beach myself at such different stages.    I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit like a person without a plan.   I want to move forward.   I want a plan to work towards.  I need a better routine during the day, and I need to be trusting of the new doctor and my medication management.   Things have been so much better, but sometimes I'm afraid of falling back in, of failing.  

All I know is that I love my family so much.
And I miss you like crazy.  
More grief work or cognitive behaviour therapy with my therapist tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to.

I think I'll make a plate of nachos and watch the bachelor.   See if that can cheer me up and break out of this little funk.

xo   

Canada Day

Hi Mom, It's cold out there, but not raining.  We're exhausted but are forging on for the kids.  Cooper will be so excited about the fireworks and seeing his friends Graham and Jane.    I got all the stuff ready for smores.    And Cooper bought some glow sticks today at the market.   

We're heading over to dads as soon as I can muster the strength to crawl out of this bed (I just had a bath) and then the PERFECT nap with my family.    I should just count to three.   And go ahead and get this party started.

Wish you could be here.    But I know you are,  in small and big ways.  

Love you.
Happy Canada Day Mommy!