Dear Mom,
Yesterday I had an amazing day. A morning walk with a friend. An afternoon at the beach with both kids. An evening swim with Cooper and Dave, all topped off with yoga on the beach and a great sleep.
This morning I had a good morning. Nice visit with dad, nice session with my therapist.
And now. For the past hour or so, I've been noticing symptoms in my back and stomach making me worried about the lower dose of Ativan. But mostly I just feel like crying. I feel lonely. Sad. Unmotivated.
I called dad to see if he would watch the kids for a few hours tonight so Dave and I can have a date night. A walk on the beach, an appetizer and a dessert on a patio. Something special for just us. He goes in for his vasectomy tomorrow. What a full circle, huh? Crazy, I can't even believe it. It's so strange the way life works out.
But mom. I wish I could shake this feeling of wanting to cry. Of being down. Of slipping back. I know I'm moving forward, I do know that. But I can't help feeling this way, and I don't know why.
Everything was going so great. I feel in moments like this, the need to write. The need to call, the need to throw my arms around my mommy and cry into your chest. I feel the need to hold your hand. I miss your hands. They were so soft. And small. Like grandma's. I wish I could see your hand again. I wish they could wipe away my tears.
I love you mom.
I just want to be a good mom. I want to be here, in this moment. I know you can't come back to me, but there is such a hole. I wish you could. I still need you mommy. I hope I can make you proud. I hope I can make my kids proud. I hope I come out the other side a new and improved wife, mother, and daughter. Confident and trusting and full of faith, that everything can still work out. That life still has happy endings.
And that I'm living one.
xo
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
One of those days
Mom,
Today is one of those days. It's kind of dull outside. Cooper is home sick. And I feel a little like a shut in. I guess it's good after the busy weekend. But I've been getting a wee bit more worried lately with the drop in my medication. Overall I'm still way better, I'm just frustrated that it seems to be a process and can't just ALL be behind me now. I just want to stop looking over my shoulder, worried that it will return and I'll be back in that spot. I must continue to TRUST this process and have FAITH that I'm getting better and better, and SOON I will be all better and right back to myself.
I miss you. Wish we could hang out today. Watch a movie. Or the Bachlorette tonight.
Instead, hopefully I'll snuggle up to Dave and watch it. He is such an amazing husband. I really need and want a date night with him soon. It's so hard to get us time with little kids. And especially with my early bedtime these days.
I guess you were looking down Saturday night and saw that Deanna proposed to Ryan, while we took Jayce over night. Cooper had so much fun. And I really like Ryan. I really hope they have a long happy life together. If there's anything you can do about it from up there, give her a little extra strength and love to make it through the tough times together.
And stay with me too, mom. I need you.
xo
PS -- Dad put up the tire swing for Cooper and he loves it. He's such a good grandpa and dad.
Today is one of those days. It's kind of dull outside. Cooper is home sick. And I feel a little like a shut in. I guess it's good after the busy weekend. But I've been getting a wee bit more worried lately with the drop in my medication. Overall I'm still way better, I'm just frustrated that it seems to be a process and can't just ALL be behind me now. I just want to stop looking over my shoulder, worried that it will return and I'll be back in that spot. I must continue to TRUST this process and have FAITH that I'm getting better and better, and SOON I will be all better and right back to myself.
I miss you. Wish we could hang out today. Watch a movie. Or the Bachlorette tonight.
Instead, hopefully I'll snuggle up to Dave and watch it. He is such an amazing husband. I really need and want a date night with him soon. It's so hard to get us time with little kids. And especially with my early bedtime these days.
I guess you were looking down Saturday night and saw that Deanna proposed to Ryan, while we took Jayce over night. Cooper had so much fun. And I really like Ryan. I really hope they have a long happy life together. If there's anything you can do about it from up there, give her a little extra strength and love to make it through the tough times together.
And stay with me too, mom. I need you.
xo
PS -- Dad put up the tire swing for Cooper and he loves it. He's such a good grandpa and dad.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Secrets
Hi Mom,
I have a little secret to share... I wish you were here so I could tell you and you'd help me make it special. I loved how we always traded secrets together. It was always so fun to get your gossip and to give you mine. Of course, now when there is a secret to share, I desperately want to call you. But for now I guess I'll have to make you wait. Like the rest of them. I'll tell you tomorrow after the secret is out, but for now I'll just tell you to look down at your bench around sunset tonight. I think you'll be very happy. Send some magic lasting love towards your bench. I know you will.
I'm going to do something to help out and hopefully make it more special and meaningful. Offering to help out is something you ALWAYS did. And it's something I want to make sure that I do more of in this lifetime.
You were such a good example of how to pay attention to the little things and ways of making the everyday special.
Well, until sunset...
Then we'll talk tomorrow.
xoxo
I have a little secret to share... I wish you were here so I could tell you and you'd help me make it special. I loved how we always traded secrets together. It was always so fun to get your gossip and to give you mine. Of course, now when there is a secret to share, I desperately want to call you. But for now I guess I'll have to make you wait. Like the rest of them. I'll tell you tomorrow after the secret is out, but for now I'll just tell you to look down at your bench around sunset tonight. I think you'll be very happy. Send some magic lasting love towards your bench. I know you will.
I'm going to do something to help out and hopefully make it more special and meaningful. Offering to help out is something you ALWAYS did. And it's something I want to make sure that I do more of in this lifetime.
You were such a good example of how to pay attention to the little things and ways of making the everyday special.
Well, until sunset...
Then we'll talk tomorrow.
xoxo
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Rainy Thursday
Hey Mom,
It's an overcast but warm Thursday morning. They say thunder storms this afternoon. But right now I'm drinking a cup of tea, in the cup you bought me, remember? The one with the lady in the sundress walking on the beach in the brown floppy hat, among the umbrellas. I love that cup. It reminds me of how you looked waking on the beach. It reminds me of how I look sometimes too. It reminds me of us, a combination. I love that it could be either one of us.... the spirit she exudes is in both of us.
Cooper is at day camp for the morning doing a treasure hunt, and Everlie is having a little nap. And I'm drinking my tea, thinking of you and remembering all the great walks we had on the beach together.
Tonight Dave is away at a sleep study, so I won't see him until tomorrow. It'll just be me and the kids all night. I wish you were around. We could have a sleep over. I miss sleepovers with you mom. Crawling into bed, turning on a movie and snuggling up. Tonight I will do it with my kids, if they will allow it, though they won't want to watch Under the Tuscan Sun, they'll want to watch Octonauts -- which Cooper is currently obsessed with.
I miss those days though, mom. Crawling into bed together watching a movie. I remember during your last days we all climbed in and watched Under the Tuscan Sun together -- probably for the millionth time. And I remember in the hospital in London, crawling into that hospital bed and you were so sick and we were watching the Devil Wears Prada with one ear phone in your ear and one in mine. But I wasn't really watching. I was snuggled into you neck, holding you, thinking.... this might be the last movie I ever watch with my mom. I was snuggled up, thinking that I never wanted to let go. I didn't ever want that movie to end. I didn't even want to get up out of the bed and have that moment gone.
But we've had so many moments like that over the years it's hard to pick just one, isn't it? I wish we could have more of them, like tonight, on this raining Thursday with Dave away for the night. I wish my mom could come tuck me into bed and we could pop some popcorn and stay up late watching chick flicks. Oh, how I wish. Maybe I will watch one anyway mom, and think of you. Imagine you there beside me, watching it with me, talking through the whole thing and driving me crazy.
Oh how you used to drive me so crazy. I miss that too mom. I miss it all.
Your daughter forever,
Lisa xo
It's an overcast but warm Thursday morning. They say thunder storms this afternoon. But right now I'm drinking a cup of tea, in the cup you bought me, remember? The one with the lady in the sundress walking on the beach in the brown floppy hat, among the umbrellas. I love that cup. It reminds me of how you looked waking on the beach. It reminds me of how I look sometimes too. It reminds me of us, a combination. I love that it could be either one of us.... the spirit she exudes is in both of us.
Cooper is at day camp for the morning doing a treasure hunt, and Everlie is having a little nap. And I'm drinking my tea, thinking of you and remembering all the great walks we had on the beach together.
Tonight Dave is away at a sleep study, so I won't see him until tomorrow. It'll just be me and the kids all night. I wish you were around. We could have a sleep over. I miss sleepovers with you mom. Crawling into bed, turning on a movie and snuggling up. Tonight I will do it with my kids, if they will allow it, though they won't want to watch Under the Tuscan Sun, they'll want to watch Octonauts -- which Cooper is currently obsessed with.
I miss those days though, mom. Crawling into bed together watching a movie. I remember during your last days we all climbed in and watched Under the Tuscan Sun together -- probably for the millionth time. And I remember in the hospital in London, crawling into that hospital bed and you were so sick and we were watching the Devil Wears Prada with one ear phone in your ear and one in mine. But I wasn't really watching. I was snuggled into you neck, holding you, thinking.... this might be the last movie I ever watch with my mom. I was snuggled up, thinking that I never wanted to let go. I didn't ever want that movie to end. I didn't even want to get up out of the bed and have that moment gone.
But we've had so many moments like that over the years it's hard to pick just one, isn't it? I wish we could have more of them, like tonight, on this raining Thursday with Dave away for the night. I wish my mom could come tuck me into bed and we could pop some popcorn and stay up late watching chick flicks. Oh, how I wish. Maybe I will watch one anyway mom, and think of you. Imagine you there beside me, watching it with me, talking through the whole thing and driving me crazy.
Oh how you used to drive me so crazy. I miss that too mom. I miss it all.
Your daughter forever,
Lisa xo
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
A new path
Dear Mom,
Well today I made some goals -- some new things for me to work toward. Something to inspire me. And aspire too. I'm hoping that will help launch me forward.
I have a therapist appointment this afternoon, and I'm not sure what we'll discuss. But I think it will be good for me to get out and talk.
Then tonight I'm hoping for a family walk maybe on the board walk or beach. It sounds like it would be fun. I'd love to try bike riding, but we think Everlie might be a bit too small yet. We'll have to see.
One of the things on my goals list, is to reach out and find one or two really good friends that I can count on and that we can have fun together as well as couple friends for Dave and I. I think we need to build a strong set of friends that we get together with regularly, or have over or go out for drinks with. I think we both need a social outlet and I'm hoping I can meet some lifelong friends here.
Of course, I still talk to Andrea and Katrina all the time, every day in fact, but email is only so fun. I mean, we can't get together for coffee or drinks. We can write and text and that's fun. But I need friends I can get out with around here. Lunch dates, shopping dates. You know, all the things we used to do. I miss it.
The other thing I'm going to do is try to challenge my limits mom. There are lots of things in my life that I could expand and become more independent, and self-sufficient, and strong. I will go slow, and slowly I will attempt to break through my own barriers to a richer, fuller life.
I know you are proud of me mom, even just for trying. I know you believe in me. And I know you're with me, encouraging me on, just as always. Just as always.
Well today I made some goals -- some new things for me to work toward. Something to inspire me. And aspire too. I'm hoping that will help launch me forward.
I have a therapist appointment this afternoon, and I'm not sure what we'll discuss. But I think it will be good for me to get out and talk.
Then tonight I'm hoping for a family walk maybe on the board walk or beach. It sounds like it would be fun. I'd love to try bike riding, but we think Everlie might be a bit too small yet. We'll have to see.
One of the things on my goals list, is to reach out and find one or two really good friends that I can count on and that we can have fun together as well as couple friends for Dave and I. I think we need to build a strong set of friends that we get together with regularly, or have over or go out for drinks with. I think we both need a social outlet and I'm hoping I can meet some lifelong friends here.
Of course, I still talk to Andrea and Katrina all the time, every day in fact, but email is only so fun. I mean, we can't get together for coffee or drinks. We can write and text and that's fun. But I need friends I can get out with around here. Lunch dates, shopping dates. You know, all the things we used to do. I miss it.
The other thing I'm going to do is try to challenge my limits mom. There are lots of things in my life that I could expand and become more independent, and self-sufficient, and strong. I will go slow, and slowly I will attempt to break through my own barriers to a richer, fuller life.
I know you are proud of me mom, even just for trying. I know you believe in me. And I know you're with me, encouraging me on, just as always. Just as always.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
A little down
Dear mom,
I'm a little down today, worrying about things, and just no feeling positive. I didn't get out for my walk today, no yoga, or meditation -- so that could be part of the problem. No adult contact throughout the day, and dad's working all week --- and I don't know if I can manage both kids at the beach myself at such different stages. I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit like a person without a plan. I want to move forward. I want a plan to work towards. I need a better routine during the day, and I need to be trusting of the new doctor and my medication management. Things have been so much better, but sometimes I'm afraid of falling back in, of failing.
All I know is that I love my family so much.
And I miss you like crazy.
More grief work or cognitive behaviour therapy with my therapist tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to.
I think I'll make a plate of nachos and watch the bachelor. See if that can cheer me up and break out of this little funk.
xo
I'm a little down today, worrying about things, and just no feeling positive. I didn't get out for my walk today, no yoga, or meditation -- so that could be part of the problem. No adult contact throughout the day, and dad's working all week --- and I don't know if I can manage both kids at the beach myself at such different stages. I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit like a person without a plan. I want to move forward. I want a plan to work towards. I need a better routine during the day, and I need to be trusting of the new doctor and my medication management. Things have been so much better, but sometimes I'm afraid of falling back in, of failing.
All I know is that I love my family so much.
And I miss you like crazy.
More grief work or cognitive behaviour therapy with my therapist tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to.
I think I'll make a plate of nachos and watch the bachelor. See if that can cheer me up and break out of this little funk.
xo
Monday, July 1, 2013
Canada Day
Hi Mom, It's cold out there, but not raining. We're exhausted but are forging on for the kids. Cooper will be so excited about the fireworks and seeing his friends Graham and Jane. I got all the stuff ready for smores. And Cooper bought some glow sticks today at the market.
We're heading over to dads as soon as I can muster the strength to crawl out of this bed (I just had a bath) and then the PERFECT nap with my family. I should just count to three. And go ahead and get this party started.
Wish you could be here. But I know you are, in small and big ways.
Love you.
Happy Canada Day Mommy!
We're heading over to dads as soon as I can muster the strength to crawl out of this bed (I just had a bath) and then the PERFECT nap with my family. I should just count to three. And go ahead and get this party started.
Wish you could be here. But I know you are, in small and big ways.
Love you.
Happy Canada Day Mommy!
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