Family & closets

Hi Mom,

In the last few weeks we saw Aunt Helen, Johnny and his fam, Dee and her fam, and Dad was at Marc's wedding in Ottawa and saw your family too.

The summer is flying by and I'm starting to feel like myself again.  It's been wonderful to enjoy the beach and visit with family and play hostess again.    I've been doing yoga on the beach and really enjoying it.  It's helping my back, and it makes me feel wonderful.   I really want to continue through the whole year.   I feel like it's a wonderful outlet for me, and I really look forward to it.

Today is dad's birthday.    We took him out to the Hawg's Breath and then had cake back at your house.    Cooper picked out the cake -- it was an ice-cream cake from the new Dairy Queen in town.  And we bought him tickets to the outdoor NHL hockey game that he was excited about. And I know how much he loves hockey, so it made us feel good to give him something we know he'll enjoy.   It was a nice low key birthday, but of course, I wish you were with us today.   I'm feeling a little lonely for you today mom.  I wish you were here.  I wish we could celebrate together.

I finally finished my closets.   I have kept what I want of your things, donated the rest and have given some away to family and friends.   I think it's finally done.  It was a tough job.  I think I would have put it off forever if I could.   But alas, once I started, I had to keep going or I was going to live in a pile of clothes in my room for all time.    I wept and wept with Aunt Helen when I tried on all your clothes going through the pile.   I wanted you to be there with me so bad.

I'm doing the best that I can mom.   I'm trying so hard.  With everything.

I love you.  I hate that you aren't here for dad's birthday or to see Everlie do her new tricks.  she's almost walking mom -- I have a feeling, she'll be walking at nine months, just like me.  

xo

Summer

Hi Mom,

I've been having some great beach days with Cooper and Everlie this week.   It's been wonderful to laugh and swim and hang out on the beach.   And tomorrow we leave for the cottage with Dave's family.  It's a little hectic getting ready.   I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, so Dave is doing a lot of the organizing.   And I'm a little worried about going down on my medication again while we are there, but I'm also really looking forward to some family time away.

I hope it moves me forward.

I want to continue to get better and better and enjoy this summer more and more.

I love you mom.  Wish we could have a beach day together.     Cooper sings your song now.  He loves it and it makes me so happy to hear him sing it... not to mention, reminds me of your advice to me over the years:

Life is what you make it
It's the little things that matter
Always say I love you
Take it off your shoulders
Stop to watch the sunset
Be thankful for your blessings
Live life to the fullest
And be here in the moment.
And open up your heart....

Amazing advice from an amazing women, who lived that way every day.

I love you,
Lisa

Processing

Hi Mom,

I had a great weekend.  The weather was great.   We were busy.  We had a ton of sunshine and perfect beach weather.   I think I'm still processing everything over the past few days.

First, Dave got his vasectomy, which means no more kids.   I think it's the best decision, but still, a little part of me wonders if we should have left it up to fate.   I'm fairly certain though, that we made the right decision.

Then Aunt Ollie came for a visit.  It was so nice to see her mom.   It was comforting.  And so nice to have her around to shop with and talk with and make a fuss over the kids.    Just being around her made me feel closer to you.  I gave her some of your costume jewelry.   And a friends angel statue and some of your coats and hats.    I wished she could have stayed longer.  Part of me hoped that her and dad would have a spark and that she didn't already have a boyfriend.  I think it would be nice for dad to have a partner in his life to do things with, travel with, grow old with.    And since it can't be you, I'd really like it to be someone I like.  Someone who likes the kids.  Someone who can be like a second mom and grandma to our family. And someone who won't be threatened by pictures or memories of you.  I thought Ollie seemed like she fits a lot of those categories.  But it looks like it's not meant to be.  Oh, funny thing, she was late for everything!   he he.  I bet you got a kick out of that up there, saying, yep, that's just Ollie.  Don't expect her to be on time for anything.     A little inside joke.

Next I met with my therapist on your bench for a grief session.  Which actually was only a partial grief session.  We just kinda talked about other stuff.  Things that came up.    We went for a little walk on the beach.  She is a rock collector too and we looked for our favorite stones together.   She likes stones with holes all the way through, she thinks they are special and have holy meaning for her.  I told her which ones I look for and the one's you used to pick up.     I told her how when I'm walking down the beach, sometimes I pick up a stone, and imagine that maybe, just maybe it was the same stone you once picked up and rolled over in your fingers, as I am doing now in mine.  It makes me feel close to you.     She said I seemed better, happier, more present during this session.   I have to admit, things have been going a lot better lately.    I'm still scared, maybe of just where I was, and never wanting to go back there.    But I'm opening my heart, following the plan, and doing my best.

We're just starting to plan our summer vacations and what to do for Cooper's birthday this year.     I wish you were around to help plan and make it special.    That would just be about the best thing in the whole world.     Dad offered to let Cooper have a beach party at his house.... but Cooper thinks he might rather go to Great Wolf Lodge.  I just want to make a decision and let him have a great day.    Oh, how I wish you could be here for it mom.    

Other than that, I've just been so busy these last few days, and I think just processing my feelings about the whirlwind couple of days and everything it's making me think about.

Life is what you make it, I hear you saying.  

I know, mom, I really do.    And I want to make it great.

xo 

Forever In My Heart

Dear mom,

This is the  song I wrote for you.   Cooper loves it.   And we listen to it, whenever I need a little time with my mom.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJyBc0Eq1XY

I love you mom.  You're forever in my heart.
xo

Aunt Ollie

Hi Mon, Today Ollie is coming for a visit.   She'll stay for a few days.   It's a gorgeous day out there.  Blue sky, sunny.  Perfect beach weather.    Not sure when she'll arrive, but we plan to spend the afternoon and hopefully most of tomorrow down by the beach.   I'm hoping she'll stay until Monday because maybe we can do a little shopping downtown and go out for lunch or something.    I think it'll be really nice to see her.   It definitely reminds me of you and all the great times.   I think dad is looking forward to it to.  He's taking her out to a play after the pipe band tonight --- all the oldies are playing, so that will be nice for them.   

I'm looking forward to a great weekend with my family, Aunt Ollie and lots of fun.    It'll be nice to have another woman's presence around this weekend.  I think we all need it.

Tell you all about it soon!
xo

The reason Why I must get better

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I feel like such a bad mother and wife.    That everything is always about me.    That all the thing from fertility treatments, to the hard pregnancies, to the deliveries, to my grief over losing you, and now this post partum mood disorder.   I feel like they have taken so much from those who need me.   Like Dave.   Like Cooper.  Like Everlie.   Like dad.  those who need me to take care of them, to teach them, play with them, clean the house for, make dinners for, make plans with -- to be the person that helps the wheels turn, that guides the ship, that takes care of the big things and remembers the little things and makes everyday happy and special for.  

I long to be confident and in control.  I long to be capable and strong.   courageous.   Happy.   At peace.   Loving.  Helpful.  Kind. Inspiring.   And most of all to make a difference in their lives, for the better.     To give more than I take.    And to be the best wife and mother I can be.   Too share and live with pure joy with this amazing family I have.

And to get better as much for me as for them.   

And engage and participate fully in my life and their lives.   With love, fun, and passion.   

I want to follow your example.   And be the kind of amazing mother and wife you were.

Send your spirit my way.
xo

Endings... and new beginnings

Dear Mom,

Today we  come full circle on our fertility struggles.    No more babies for us.  I know you are happy about this decision.  You were always so worried what impact those fertility drugs would have on me.   You were so worried about me during my labour with Cooper, and I know you are up there worried about me now, too.   Sending your love, strength, courage and hope to find my way through this struggle and out the other side.   I know all you want for me is to be happy.   To enjoy my life and make the most of each day.   To open my heart and let love in, fully.  Let it fill me up for all the days of my life.   I know you are routing for me, encouraging me on, telling me that I'm doing good and not to dare give up.   I know you don't want any of this for me any longer.   That we've been through enough.   I know you want my struggle to end.

I remember during those last days, crying into your neck, holding you tight.  
Be happy, you told me.  
Be happy with Cooper.  We've had a great life together.  Be happy with your family. 
But what will I do without you mom?   I still need you.
You'll be just fine.   You will be just fine.

I'm going to hold you to that mom.
I'm going to hold you to it.