Trying

My beautiful Mother,

I’ve been on the medication a week and a half now, and I’ve noticed a few changes for the better.   I've been doing yoga and meditation and walking daily, which helps and is bringing me back to the present moment.  There have been some moments of hope and peace creeping back in, mixed with the torture of dread in others. But overall, I am letting myself believe that I will get back to myself. That time and patience is all I need. And to remember that life is a good. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s all a beautiful wonderful gift to be lived as best we can in each and every single moment. So that is what I’m trying to focus on mom. Staying in the moment. And having faith. Faith that I will be okay, faith that this will all end, and faith that the magic and wonder and peace that I am longing for will be mine, very very soon. I know you want that for me mom, so stay with me. Help me remember that time will heal. That this too shall pass. That life is what you make it, and each moment comes with a choice. There is nothing to fear. Life is beautiful. All I need is inside me.

Your loving daughter.

xo

My hour of need

Hi Mom,

I’m back.   Yes, already.  Now that I've started I don't think I can stop.    It feels good to talk to you like this.  To write.   It feels like myself.  

 

I just got through one of the worst moments of my life. Like you would tell me to, I reached out. I opened my heart. I asked for help from a friend. And it helped. I also took the full dose of the medication even though I was terrified and have committed to staying on it for 3 weeks. Oh mom, this last three weeks have been unbearable. But I want nothing more than to do this. I have accepted invitations. Gone to the doctors by myself. I am breaking through, in spite of my fear – in hopes that my mind will catch up with me soon. I am putting my trust in the divine power of the universe that by accepting and continuing to move through it, that all will work itself out. That soon, I will feel a sense of permanent peace within my body. That soon all the thoughts will leave my head. That my body will thrive and the physical symptoms will disappear. And I, once again, will be myself.

I need you with me mom. To help me through each day, each moment. Please stay by my side. I know you will. I trust you. And I trust myself to be able to do this.

Soon, mommy, soon. I will be myself again. I will be BETTER than myself. Stronger, happier, and more at peace than I’ve ever been before.

I love you mom. Stay with me.  And don't let me give up.  

 

Your daughter, forever.

 

A Letter to Heaven.

Dear mom,

Our little girl is finally here and she is perfect. I wish you were here to meet her. To hold her. To hold me. To help me love and care for her. To tell me I’m a good mother and that I’m doing the right things. To show me the right things to do to help her develop and grow and thrive. I am really missing your presence mom. And I feel so alone without your guidance. I’ve been so consumed with worry, I’m worried I might never feel like myself again. I know you would tell me that everything will be okay. I know you would tell me that she’s perfect. Not to worry about her health. Not to focus on my own. Not to focus on my negative thoughts. Your positive attitude would be contagious, helping to get me out there. Enjoying my moments with my kids. And helping me to remember that each moment is a precious gift. I know this. I really do. I’ve just been so worried that something is wrong with her. And now that something is wrong with me. That I won’t be a good mom to them. That I’m not strong enough to take care of them. To drive them places. To interact with the world. To get them involved. To be the kind of mom you were to me. My anxiety has flaired to an all time high, leaving me jittery and scared most of the day. And the thoughts that run through my head are so scary mom. Like, am I going crazy? Do I have a mental illness? Will I ever be able to cope and feel calm and at peace in my own body. I know you would say Lisa. You have GOT to snap out of this. Life is what you make it. You can do this. You are a great mom. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll be fine. You are strong. And loving. And those kids are lucky to have you. But I don’t feel like that way right now mom and I’m so scared for my family. And for Dave. My amazing husband who I’ve placed so much on his shoulders. All because I can’t get control of my own thoughts. Life seemed so much easier when you were here. I know I am strong mom. I know I can do this. I just don’t want it to be so hard. I want to enjoy my life. My children. My days. Our perfect little angels who we worked so hard to get.

What should I do mom? Where should I start? How can I climb out of this hole?

I’m listening.....

I’m listening.....

“Take a deep breath. Smile. Say a little prayer. And know that I am right there with you. You CAN do this. And I love you. Your dad loves you. Dave loves you. And your little kids love you. Think positive. And stay in the moment. Life really is amazing. I had a great life and I want the same for you. You have to CHOSE it. And you can do it.”