Fall always makes me think of you. My birthday, back to school shopping, a whole new year. Leaves falling, more inside days, and of course all the memories of your fall decorations and everything you did to make fall an amazing time of year.
I miss you mom. Oh god, I miss you. I know you're gone. I know you can't come back. I know that I have to move forward, get on with my own life, my own traditions, my own memories... but I long for you in such a deep way. I wish you were here for Cooper's first day of school, for Everlie's first birthday, for Thanksgiving, for decorating and fall fairs and pumpkin pies. I wish you were here to go shopping with, to help with Cooper, to tell me I'm a good mom, to inspire me to be the kind of parent you were to me. It's hard to live without you mom. Even though I love my family. I wish you were here to reassure me, to wrap your arms around me. To cry and to laugh with me. To spend time with me, to help ease the loneliness and isolation, to see my accomplishments, to be proud of me, to encourage me on. To let me know that I am perfect and wonderful and amazing, just the way I am.
Oh mom. My birthday is coming. The day you gave birth to me. The day you gave me life. The day you first held me in your arms and promised to love me forever. I know you're still holding me, loving me, looking down with your hands around my heart. I know you want happiness for me, peace, a great wonderful amazing life. I know you sent me Everlie. She's a part of you and me both, our connection. I know you sent her to me to love, to help me heal, to help me remember and share those same bonds with a daughter of my own. She's gorgeous. She's perfect. And she loves me so much.
I have an amazing family and I am so blessed and lucky. And with your strength inside me I know I can overcome this. Sometimes I just need to be reminded. Sometimes I just need to be held, need your pep talk, need to fall unto the arms of my mom.
Hold my heart a little tighter today mom and give me a sign that everything is going to be okay. That with each step I'm getting closer and closer.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Family & closets
Hi Mom,
In the last few weeks we saw Aunt Helen, Johnny and his fam, Dee and her fam, and Dad was at Marc's wedding in Ottawa and saw your family too.
The summer is flying by and I'm starting to feel like myself again. It's been wonderful to enjoy the beach and visit with family and play hostess again. I've been doing yoga on the beach and really enjoying it. It's helping my back, and it makes me feel wonderful. I really want to continue through the whole year. I feel like it's a wonderful outlet for me, and I really look forward to it.
Today is dad's birthday. We took him out to the Hawg's Breath and then had cake back at your house. Cooper picked out the cake -- it was an ice-cream cake from the new Dairy Queen in town. And we bought him tickets to the outdoor NHL hockey game that he was excited about. And I know how much he loves hockey, so it made us feel good to give him something we know he'll enjoy. It was a nice low key birthday, but of course, I wish you were with us today. I'm feeling a little lonely for you today mom. I wish you were here. I wish we could celebrate together.
I finally finished my closets. I have kept what I want of your things, donated the rest and have given some away to family and friends. I think it's finally done. It was a tough job. I think I would have put it off forever if I could. But alas, once I started, I had to keep going or I was going to live in a pile of clothes in my room for all time. I wept and wept with Aunt Helen when I tried on all your clothes going through the pile. I wanted you to be there with me so bad.
I'm doing the best that I can mom. I'm trying so hard. With everything.
I love you. I hate that you aren't here for dad's birthday or to see Everlie do her new tricks. she's almost walking mom -- I have a feeling, she'll be walking at nine months, just like me.
xo
In the last few weeks we saw Aunt Helen, Johnny and his fam, Dee and her fam, and Dad was at Marc's wedding in Ottawa and saw your family too.
The summer is flying by and I'm starting to feel like myself again. It's been wonderful to enjoy the beach and visit with family and play hostess again. I've been doing yoga on the beach and really enjoying it. It's helping my back, and it makes me feel wonderful. I really want to continue through the whole year. I feel like it's a wonderful outlet for me, and I really look forward to it.
Today is dad's birthday. We took him out to the Hawg's Breath and then had cake back at your house. Cooper picked out the cake -- it was an ice-cream cake from the new Dairy Queen in town. And we bought him tickets to the outdoor NHL hockey game that he was excited about. And I know how much he loves hockey, so it made us feel good to give him something we know he'll enjoy. It was a nice low key birthday, but of course, I wish you were with us today. I'm feeling a little lonely for you today mom. I wish you were here. I wish we could celebrate together.
I finally finished my closets. I have kept what I want of your things, donated the rest and have given some away to family and friends. I think it's finally done. It was a tough job. I think I would have put it off forever if I could. But alas, once I started, I had to keep going or I was going to live in a pile of clothes in my room for all time. I wept and wept with Aunt Helen when I tried on all your clothes going through the pile. I wanted you to be there with me so bad.
I'm doing the best that I can mom. I'm trying so hard. With everything.
I love you. I hate that you aren't here for dad's birthday or to see Everlie do her new tricks. she's almost walking mom -- I have a feeling, she'll be walking at nine months, just like me.
xo
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