Mom

If you are out there, and I know you are.

Please help me through this storm.  Please let me stand firmly, against the waves and tides, let me hold onto love, faith and hope.  And please shoulder some of this for me.  I need you mom.   More than I've ever needed you before.  You can help me by showing me the way, help me come out of this, helping to ease this pain in whatever way you can.

Please mom, help me through and out the other side.  It is time mommy.  I am yours, I am listening, I am ready to hear....

Please tell me what to do.

Asking for help

Mommy,

I've been trying, you know I have.   I'm ready for this to be over.  I need to move on.  I need my life back.   I need to give to my husband, children, to dad.  I need to stop taking, needing, draining.  I need this to be over. 

Mom, if there is anything you can do to help up there, please do it. 
You know how much love and family and enjoying each day means.   You taught me that.  Please help me get it back.  Please mom, I need you.  I need your help.

Your daughter needs you so much.  Please stay with me.  Please don't leave me.   Please show me the way.  I am listening....

I am ready.

Fall is Coming

Dear Mom,

Fall always makes me think of you.   The season you left us.   The season you gave birth to me.   All the years of back to school shopping, pumpkin pies, fall decorations.    It's a time for reflection, letting go, and moving forward.   A season of family, warmth, and love.

The other day I took Cooper for his first needle and banana split afterwards.   The same as you did with me.  I cannot believe it.   I have come full circle in so many ways.  I am a mom, sharing a memory with my child, that I can remember sharing with you.   I have worked through my phobia so that I can now be there to hold my son while he gets a needle.  It's amazing really.  How far I've come.  

I wish I could say, that I could leave these body symtoms and thoughts behind me too.  I wish I did not have to struggle and work so hard everyday.   I wish things could be easy and carefree and happy.    I am working toward that mom.   Harder than I ever have.  

I wish you could lay your hands on my back and tell me that you're proud of how far I've come.  That you know I will get through this, that I am an amazing mom, that you love me, that I can do anything I want to and that you believe in me.   And you KNOW i'll get through this.

Oh mom.   Our Cooper is going to school.   TO SCHOOL.   I remember the first day I got on the bus.   I remember the picture you took of me.  Of hugging you goodbye.  I thought you would be here for this moment.   I thought we would be sending him off together.  I'm not ready for my baby to grow up yet.   I'm not ready for any of it. 

But that's the thing about life, isn't it?  We are never quite ready.   Yet, moving forward is our only choice.   And to enjoy each moment.   I hope one day soon, I will be in the moment, grounded solid, with peace in my mind, body and soul.   So that, I too, can enjoy every single wonderful moment that lies ahead...

I love you,
Lisa

Summer is Winding Down

Fall always makes me think of you.  My birthday, back to school shopping, a whole new year.  Leaves falling, more inside days, and of course all the memories of your fall decorations and everything you did to make fall an amazing time of year.  

I miss you mom.   Oh god, I miss you.    I know you're gone.  I know you can't come back.  I know that I have to move forward, get on with my own life, my own traditions, my own memories... but I long for you in such a deep way.   I wish you were here for Cooper's first day of school, for Everlie's first birthday, for Thanksgiving, for decorating and fall fairs and pumpkin pies.   I wish you were here to go shopping with, to help with Cooper, to tell me I'm a good mom, to inspire me to be the kind of parent you were to me.    It's hard to live without you mom.   Even though I love my family.   I wish you were here to reassure me, to wrap your arms around me.  To cry and to laugh with me.   To spend time with me, to help ease the loneliness and isolation, to see my accomplishments, to be proud of me, to encourage me on.  To let me know that I am perfect and wonderful and amazing, just the way I am.

Oh mom.    My birthday is coming.  The day you gave birth to me.  The day you gave me life.   The day you first held me in your arms and promised to love me forever.  I know you're still holding me, loving me, looking down with your hands around my heart. I know you want happiness for me, peace, a great wonderful amazing life.   I know you sent me Everlie.   She's a part of you and me both, our connection.   I know you sent her to me to love, to help me heal, to help me remember and share those same bonds with a daughter of my own.   She's gorgeous.   She's perfect.   And she loves me so much.

I have an amazing family and I am so blessed and lucky.    And with your strength inside me I know I can overcome this.    Sometimes I just need to be reminded.  Sometimes I just need to be held, need your pep talk, need to fall unto the arms of my mom. 

Hold my heart a little tighter today mom and give me a sign that everything is going to be okay.   That with each step I'm getting closer and closer.

 

Family & closets

Hi Mom,

In the last few weeks we saw Aunt Helen, Johnny and his fam, Dee and her fam, and Dad was at Marc's wedding in Ottawa and saw your family too.

The summer is flying by and I'm starting to feel like myself again.  It's been wonderful to enjoy the beach and visit with family and play hostess again.    I've been doing yoga on the beach and really enjoying it.  It's helping my back, and it makes me feel wonderful.   I really want to continue through the whole year.   I feel like it's a wonderful outlet for me, and I really look forward to it.

Today is dad's birthday.    We took him out to the Hawg's Breath and then had cake back at your house.    Cooper picked out the cake -- it was an ice-cream cake from the new Dairy Queen in town.  And we bought him tickets to the outdoor NHL hockey game that he was excited about. And I know how much he loves hockey, so it made us feel good to give him something we know he'll enjoy.   It was a nice low key birthday, but of course, I wish you were with us today.   I'm feeling a little lonely for you today mom.  I wish you were here.  I wish we could celebrate together.

I finally finished my closets.   I have kept what I want of your things, donated the rest and have given some away to family and friends.   I think it's finally done.  It was a tough job.  I think I would have put it off forever if I could.   But alas, once I started, I had to keep going or I was going to live in a pile of clothes in my room for all time.    I wept and wept with Aunt Helen when I tried on all your clothes going through the pile.   I wanted you to be there with me so bad.

I'm doing the best that I can mom.   I'm trying so hard.  With everything.

I love you.  I hate that you aren't here for dad's birthday or to see Everlie do her new tricks.  she's almost walking mom -- I have a feeling, she'll be walking at nine months, just like me.  

xo

Summer

Hi Mom,

I've been having some great beach days with Cooper and Everlie this week.   It's been wonderful to laugh and swim and hang out on the beach.   And tomorrow we leave for the cottage with Dave's family.  It's a little hectic getting ready.   I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, so Dave is doing a lot of the organizing.   And I'm a little worried about going down on my medication again while we are there, but I'm also really looking forward to some family time away.

I hope it moves me forward.

I want to continue to get better and better and enjoy this summer more and more.

I love you mom.  Wish we could have a beach day together.     Cooper sings your song now.  He loves it and it makes me so happy to hear him sing it... not to mention, reminds me of your advice to me over the years:

Life is what you make it
It's the little things that matter
Always say I love you
Take it off your shoulders
Stop to watch the sunset
Be thankful for your blessings
Live life to the fullest
And be here in the moment.
And open up your heart....

Amazing advice from an amazing women, who lived that way every day.

I love you,
Lisa

Processing

Hi Mom,

I had a great weekend.  The weather was great.   We were busy.  We had a ton of sunshine and perfect beach weather.   I think I'm still processing everything over the past few days.

First, Dave got his vasectomy, which means no more kids.   I think it's the best decision, but still, a little part of me wonders if we should have left it up to fate.   I'm fairly certain though, that we made the right decision.

Then Aunt Ollie came for a visit.  It was so nice to see her mom.   It was comforting.  And so nice to have her around to shop with and talk with and make a fuss over the kids.    Just being around her made me feel closer to you.  I gave her some of your costume jewelry.   And a friends angel statue and some of your coats and hats.    I wished she could have stayed longer.  Part of me hoped that her and dad would have a spark and that she didn't already have a boyfriend.  I think it would be nice for dad to have a partner in his life to do things with, travel with, grow old with.    And since it can't be you, I'd really like it to be someone I like.  Someone who likes the kids.  Someone who can be like a second mom and grandma to our family. And someone who won't be threatened by pictures or memories of you.  I thought Ollie seemed like she fits a lot of those categories.  But it looks like it's not meant to be.  Oh, funny thing, she was late for everything!   he he.  I bet you got a kick out of that up there, saying, yep, that's just Ollie.  Don't expect her to be on time for anything.     A little inside joke.

Next I met with my therapist on your bench for a grief session.  Which actually was only a partial grief session.  We just kinda talked about other stuff.  Things that came up.    We went for a little walk on the beach.  She is a rock collector too and we looked for our favorite stones together.   She likes stones with holes all the way through, she thinks they are special and have holy meaning for her.  I told her which ones I look for and the one's you used to pick up.     I told her how when I'm walking down the beach, sometimes I pick up a stone, and imagine that maybe, just maybe it was the same stone you once picked up and rolled over in your fingers, as I am doing now in mine.  It makes me feel close to you.     She said I seemed better, happier, more present during this session.   I have to admit, things have been going a lot better lately.    I'm still scared, maybe of just where I was, and never wanting to go back there.    But I'm opening my heart, following the plan, and doing my best.

We're just starting to plan our summer vacations and what to do for Cooper's birthday this year.     I wish you were around to help plan and make it special.    That would just be about the best thing in the whole world.     Dad offered to let Cooper have a beach party at his house.... but Cooper thinks he might rather go to Great Wolf Lodge.  I just want to make a decision and let him have a great day.    Oh, how I wish you could be here for it mom.    

Other than that, I've just been so busy these last few days, and I think just processing my feelings about the whirlwind couple of days and everything it's making me think about.

Life is what you make it, I hear you saying.  

I know, mom, I really do.    And I want to make it great.

xo