Here’s the thing. I just want to feel GOOD again. Like, carefree good.
That feeling you get in your whole body – the pleasure of a spring day. The
wonderful enjoyment of eating your favorite foods, of snuggling up to the one’s
you love. Playing with my children and laughing at their antics. Singing to
them all day long. Walking, playing, going to the beach and yes, even making
lists. Checking things off, getting things done, and feeling that sense of
accomplishment in doing so. The relaxation of a bath or a massage or sleeping
in. The peace of flopping down on the couch with my husband after a long day
and flicking on the TV together. The joy of planning for the future, dreaming
of vacations, and the lazy hazy days of summer. I want to feel that inner
feeling that everything is okay. That life is good. That my body and mind are
in sync. And that life, even when it gets tough, is a beautiful journey.
I’ve been trying to get back there. Shake these terrible thoughts and body
symptoms and the overwhelming sense that living in my own skin is hard. That
each moment is to be endured, not savored. I long to stop clock watching and
wondering and waiting and hoping beyond hope that all this will go away soon.
All I want is peace. Mind, body, sprit. Mental health. A calm healthy
body. And a passion for living each day.
This is something I’ve never felt or had to face before. And it makes me
wonder. Is it hormones? Is it because my mom is not here? Is it a serious
health problem that the doctor has not found? Is it my own mind, wrestling with
myself making it worse? Or is it just a postpartum phase that will go away with
time? I wonder how long it will last? And how long I will have to feel this
way? Or why all my efforts and attempts to chose happiness and peace are not
working?
Oh mom, I stayed on the medication for 5 weeks, I gave it a good try, but it didn't agree with me so I went off. I'm seeing a therapist, a nuturopath, taking my vitamins, meditating, walking and doing yoga. I'm trying my best to carry on, socialize, and get out there in spite of it all. But I'm tried, mom. Tired of feeling and living this way.
I know that my body wants to find balance. A body and mind cannot exist in
this state forever. They WANT to find peace. They want balance. Surely,
they are trying hard to find it.
I am trying to trust. Trying to have faith. Trying to accept my path
and float with it instead of flight it. To believe that all this will end, and
when it does it will somehow make me a better, stronger, and more compassionate
person. That the lesson will be worth all of this, in the end. And, as always,
I am trying desperately to hold onto hope. Hope that the best is yet to come.
I love you mom. Stay with me. And hey – give me a sign! I could really
use one right about now.
Your brave daughter.
